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[The next day, with the promise of meeting up with Atem on his mind, Komaeda has gone into, well, a cleaning fugue. He doesn't sleep anymore, which means all of his restless energy has to go somewhere. After carefully bathing, he dresses himself in something functionally similar to the day before, but definitely takes a lot more time picking out jewelry from his collection that he hadn't been wearing before—a few gold chains and pearl necklaces, a pair of matching gold earrings, some rings... It's a bit excessive, maybe, especially since he doesn't have the excuse of being a merperson anymore.

And the realization that he might be doing too much is enough to send his anxious energy into what he considers, truly, his best skill: cleaning the apartment from top to bottom. It's likely why when Atem goes to meet up as they've promised, he'll find that Komaeda isn't already waiting for him for once. The guy who's chronically early for everything is no where to be seen!

It won't be until Atem pokes his head through the door that he'll spot Komaeda in the entryway, hunched over the floor with his wings fluffed up above him like a shroud, scrubbing at the grout between the tiles as if he life depended on it.

...Atem might have to speak up to get his attention.]

[That's a strange sight.

Komaeda, in his good jewelry, is...scrubbing the floor?

Did he knock something over at the last second, making him late?? That seems most likely, but the tile is sparkling...it's really not like this guy to be late!]

Hey, Nagito...

[--says the creepy shadowy head and neck sticking out of the door, looking down with glowing eyes arched in concern.]

Is everything okay?

[At first, Komaeda doesn't hear the familiar voice calling him from above. He just keeps scrubbing, and scrubbing, and scrubbing... The same spot repeatedly, in an almost entranced state.

No, it isn't until Atem asks if he's okay that the voice suddenly breaks through his hyperfocus, and he gasps his surprise. And then he tries to look up, while standing up, much too fast, and bonks his head (harmlessly) on the door in front of him.]

A-Atem-kun!

[Komaeda groans, with his hand abandoning his scrubber and coming up to nurse his forehead for a moment. From the floor, he meets the shade's gaze.]

Are you trying to peep on me...?

[The two points of light in Atem's face widen in distress; he floats higher, startled and taken aback by Komaeda's head bump!

If he were still a demon, Atem might have had an answer to that question: would you really mind it if I was? Atem's a shade now and back in a more even frame of mind, but even so, he can't quite resist talking back.]

Not unless you're doing something weird that I shouldn't be looking at. But I don't think "cleaning in your jewelry" counts for something like that...

[But that's all the sass he's got. Back to business!]

I was looking for you!

[Actually, it feels a little silly with just his head in the room...]

Can I come in?

[The answer is no, Komaeda actually wouldn't mind it if Atem were peeping on him.]

I see... I guess it is pretty weird... [He mumbles as he continues to rub at his forehead for a moment longer.] I got ready to meet with you, but then I started thinking about how you might think I'm weird for trying to look so nice to go flying, and then... Well...

[He started cleaning in order to deal with spiraling, anxious thoughts. He doesn't really want to linger on his embarrassed he feels now, though, to be caught in such a state. Atem has never had to witness one of his manic cleaning episodes, so he hopes the guy doesn't feel put-off by it.

Komaeda uses the wall beside him to pull himself back up to standing, retrieving the scrubber on the way up.]

Anyways... You can come in, Atem-kun. Let me put this away and then we can head out to the park again.

[The rest of the shadow passes smoothly through the door. Or, rather -- it looks more like Atem's shadow crawls up the door, stretching upwards and downwards at once, bottom half tapering down to a point. There's something two-dimensional about how he appears as a shade, like he's the shadow of something unseen -- something where you can't tell whether it's big or small or just a trick of the light source.

Atem's vocal quality is a little odd like this -- ghostly, like he'd been recorded from far away but the volume's turned up.]

I don't think it's weird.

[Rather than stepping closer, the shadow moves along the wall of the entranceway, sliding to the side to look at Komaeda from a different angle, like a projection.]

You clean to take your mind off things, don't you...? As a way to make yourself feel better. When I think of it that way, what I saw isn't weird at all.

[Atem sounds more thoughtful than anything else, floating curiously along the wall as Komaeda goes to put the scrubber away, as he says:]

I didn't know that about you.

[It's interesting, to learn a detail like that...something small, something mundane, but something still important.]

Edited 2023-03-12 19:10 (UTC)

[From the angle Atem takes along the wall, he might not see the uneasy expression Komaeda wears after being caught in a vulnerable moment. It isn't that he minds the other knowing his habits, but rather, to be discovered like that when he wasn't prepared for it makes him feel like he wants to curl up and disappear.

Intentionally, Komaeda keeps himself turned away from the shadow haunting his walls, and deposits the scrubber into the sink before turning the faucet on to wash his hand.]

I guess... It feels like something I have control over. It's not that interesting, though...

[In a world where his luck had dictated the direction of his life, it was something small and anchoring to hold onto. No matter how badly things got, he could at least control the state of cleanliness around him. In a way it was a method of retreating from the bad, but... It also allowed him to calm down, too.

He pulls his hand from the sink, after thoroughly scrubbing his skin clean, before pulling the hand towel off of the oven's handle to wipe it clean. Even the way he folds the towel before hanging it back up—methodical and precise, using both his residual limb and his front for leverage—lends to a secret want for the things around him to remain neat and organized.]

Are you ready to go, Atem-kun?

I think it's interesting.

[Atem says it precisely because a large part of him is thinking, Nagito's uncomfortable. I shouldn't draw any more attention to it...and it might be weird to say.

He has to say how he feels for Komaeda to understand him. He has to try to run away from that less.]

But, I'm ready...I want to get in your body here, before we go outside, if that's okay. It's cloudy, but even indirect light makes shades weaker...

[It should be fine once he's hitching a ride in Komaeda's soul. But he doesn't particularly want to go out onto the roof and start shrinking!]

[Komaeda pauses, his gaze cast sidelong at Atem clinging to his walls like something not quite there. Is it really that interesting, to know a small detail like that? He isn't sure how to feel about it, but it does release a bit of the tension he's been holding in his shoulders and expression.

He's still getting used to Atem being so forward, especially with what he says next. There's something... Inherently dirty sounding about wanting to get into his body. Even though he, realistically, understands what's being implied—it only serves to remind him of just how intimate of an experience they're about to share, is. The only person he's ever truly shared a body with was Lila...

Komaeda swallows and turns to face Atem, still sitting on the wall. He rubs his hand a few times down the front of his sweater, smoothing the fabric over in some manner of self-soothe, as he builds up the courage to finally look at the shade before him. His heart is racing, and already color has begun to creep into his skin, but it feels surprisingly easy when he finally says—]

Okay... I'm ready.

[He's not sure how Atem plans to do it, so... He's just going to stand there awkwardly in the middle of the kitchen, waiting.]

Heh heh.

[The shape that clings to the walls, eyes glowing unnaturally, moving around the room like it wants to see everything -- chuckles. Its eyes narrow, but not in a menacing way: it's a fond curve, a softening at the corners.

Then, it shrinks, sinks -- and if Komaeda looks down, he'll see that the tapered end of darkness where Atem's feet should have been is crawling out from the bottom of the wall, along the floor, reaching for him like a long, long, thin, finger. It branches into two, finding Komaeda's feet and pooling around them, even as more of Atem flows down the wall towards him.]

Don't worry. I'll take good care of y_ouuuuu...

[For a moment, it looks like Komaeda has a shadow again.

Then, the darkness sinks through Komaeda's shoes and socks, crawling up inside of him from the ankles up. There's a flash of light from Komaeda's forehead -- a reflective surface in the kitchen might reveal it to be in the shape of an eye, if Komaeda looks -- and then, Atem's soul is making room for itself beside Komaeda's, settling in with the same attitude as you would settle beside someone on a crowded couch.

Yo!

It's a friendly mental greeting, accompanied by warmth and curiosity and an inquiry, as Atem feels out where his new limbs are, wiggling fingers and fluffing wings: you okay?

If Atem meant anything weird by the dirty way things were phrased, he's not indicating it.]

[It's a familiar chuckle, one he's heard a thousand times—under breaths and through gritted teeth—it should be familiar. But the sight before him isn't.

When they were both shades, it was different. Komaeda had been so blinded by his own emotions he hardly had time to parse Atem as anything other than safe. Now, though, the shape that stretches towards him in a way that feels reminiscent of ghost stories, doesn't feel safe. It feels like he's stumbled into a yokai's den—like he's about to be eaten.

His heart had been racing before, for the sake of his nerves, but now it's thundering so hard in his ears with panic that he feels like he's about to pass out. Maybe it's because he'd gotten used to what he assumed monsters should be like, that he forgot his animal fear of what lurks in the dark. That comes second nature, now, even when he clenches his eyes shut the moment Atem reaches his shoes.

He has to remind himself that this is his friend, someone he trusts, and not a legend come to life.

Once he feels the first few prickles of something not-supposed-to-be-there invading his body, he's able to relax a little more into it. Somehow, it's easier when he isn't looking the ghost straight on. He hadn't been in his right mind enough to really dissect the sensation of being possessed before, but the distinct feeling of his body being too small is what stands out now. Like it wasn't made to house more than one soul.

And the second Atem settles into his mind and heart, his casual greeting will be met with what feels like a barrage of sensation that's part panic, part radio static with how flurried Komaeda's emotions have become in a matter of moments. It's an adjustment, give him a moment.

It takes a bit of him just standing there, frozen, as Atem feels out his body. Once that moment passes, though, Komaeda exhales a breath he hadn't realized he was holding. He feels warmer, then. Like easing into a drawn bath filled with water at the perfect temperature. He relaxes.

Hello, Atem-kun. He responds quietly, in the space of their shared mind. I... think I'm okay now. I wasn't expecting it to feel like that.

[It didn't hurt, did it? the visiting ghost asks, a spike of worry, almost anxiety creeping into Atem's heart. He doesn't want that...he can tell it was scary for Komaeda but isn't sure why, because for Atem, there's nothing scary at all about being what he is.

Being a shade makes Atem feel comfortable, confident, and safe.

So it's a surprise, a worrying one, when he feels all that fluttery panic, and it's a good thing it relaxes after a moment or two. Atem nudges at Komaeda, a feeling that's more emotion than touch, like a dog nosing its owner out of lingering worry.]

[No, it didn't.

That thought comes immediately, tailed by another, intrusive thought about I'm used to pain, anyways. It comes without him even being able to mitigate it, and again, he feels his heart race. Atem had already said that there wouldn't be anything worth hating Komaeda over within his mind, but it's exactly moments like these—when his mind runs rampant where his mouth isn't able to stop it—that he worries.

This is just the first time I've been fully lucid during possession... So I'm nervous.

It's as much the truth as he can fully divulge—the other sources for his panic are things that he himself doesn't quite recognize. If anything, though, it might serve to show Atem just how often Komaeda keeps his fear tightly contained and doesn't talk about it.

But rather than lingering there, he'll turn to the reflective surface of the stainless steel sink basin, and gaze at their joined reflection. He meets that glowing eye-like symbol and pulls a smile across his face. Don't worry Atem-kun, this is just how my brain is. I warned you that it might be difficult.

[Even if that's true...I still don't want to hurt him, flickers over Atem's consciousness, not directed at Komaeda. Being used to pain doesn't make it right to inflict it carelessly...so, I'm glad.

Komaeda's wings, whose nerves and tendons and bone Atem has been feeling out, wrap around their arms and torso, warm and soft.

This time, it's directed at Komaeda: I don't mind that it's difficult! I won't give up on something just because it's not easy...I've never been like that! Atem's heart hums with stirred-up determination: even if Komaeda gets scared, or thinks about things that aren't pleasant, Atem won't give up on him. And, I haven't forgotten my promise...if it gets too bad, I'll protect myself.

Atem's hands come up to grip their upper arms, reassuring, self-soothing. Their eyes, at least the main set if not more, close. Atem feels a wash of affection: he's certain they'll be able to handle this.

I'll take care of you, without forgetting to take care of me...it'll be all right.]

[Though Komaeda is privy to every passing thought shared between them, it's not something that feels... inherently bad. He had been so worried over Atem's perception of him, that he hardly gave a chance to consider the opposite. This is a shared experience, isn't it? They're both baring themselves.

So the least he can do, when Atem is willing to do something like this for him, is to meet that courage head on. Though he still doesn't want to do anything that would bring the other to dislike him, he feels himself giving into the soothing touch of hands and wings around them. It reminds him of the warmth of Atem's hug the day before.

Thank you, Atem-kun, a smile spreads across their shared visage, soft at the corners and a little bit sheepish, too, for tumbling so easily back down the rabbit hole so soon. You never get fed up with reassuring me... I, I really appreciate that.

The feelings that well up, unspoken but incredibly warm, are no doubt that of some mixing love and admiration. The affection is easily reciprocated as a sensation he wants to sink into forever.

I'll take care of you too, so... please tell me if anything becomes too much, okay?

[Atem has more than his share of rabbit holes, too. His heart is a maze, with nothing but traps behind countless doors, hostile and full of fog. He's been hurt, torn into shreds, smashed into pieces, and the seams don't fit quite right anymore when he goes to put himself together.

But Atem is good, incredibly good, at skimming over the surface of his own fears, skipping like a stone over an unfathomable abyss, full of crushing pressure and dark depth and monsters. He can keep moving, keep fighting, and ignore everything that's not the task at hand...

...and, for the moment, all his monsters remain safely in the depths. It's the shallow warm few feet of sunlit sea he and Komaeda are playing in, letting their mutual regard for each other wash over them like warm rain. It's nice...it's so nice to confirm it, beyond a doubt, that they care for each other like this...

Of course! The thought is bright and brave and focused. Now, let's go...we've only got an hour, and it'll be over before we know it.

Atem glances at the clock, noting the time they have to be back by. Then, he walks the body toward the door, reaching for the handle, taking charge with practiced ease.

I've been looking forward to this...]

[A warm and sunlit sea, one that gently washes over the shores. With their feet buried in the sand of this feeling, it's hard to want to even move from the spot they've found themselves glued in in the kitchen. It's a good thing Atem keeps them guided, otherwise Komaeda likely would've just stood there and carried on their conversation... ignorant to the fact that he has roommates that might wander by and give him a weird look about it.

He doesn't really linger in that thought, not when he's so distracted by these shared feelings. It doesn't feel right for him to feel so giddy about being able to do this, now. Atem is helping him as a friend would, and it shouldn't be taken as anything more, but as they step out into that hallway, Komaeda can't help but take back control of their shared hand and idly tug on one of the chains around their neck.

You've been looking forward to this? He asks, like it's a secret to be holding a conversation in his head than aloud. He isn't quite sure what to make of that information. He tugs a bit more on that chain as they make their way to the elevator. Is it really that interesting to possess me...?

[If I didn't know him better, I'd think he was looking for compliments...but that's the thing, isn't it? He really thinks these things. I don't understand it completely, but I'll tell him the truth...

...that the time I get to spend with Nagito is important, he thinks, clearer than the internal monologue a moment ago, and, sharing our hearts like this...what could be more interesting?

I also like that you asked me to help you...I'm happy to be the one to teach you flying. It feels...

He doesn't really have words for the feeling. Just...an impression of mutual trust, of gratitude that Komaeda trusts Atem to lead him through a hard thing that frightens him, and, on top of that...there's a twinge of something a little like possessiveness.

I'm glad you trusted me when you were scared. It means a lot to me. Besides that, I want to be the one to give you something that important and useful. It --

(possessive, reaching, wanting what he can't have, leaving a mark on it anyway, one that can't be stopped or erased, part of him is part of komaeda and no one can undo that)

--never mind, Atem thinks, backpedaling. Don't worry about that, it's not important, he self-corrects, as they duck into the elevator and start to descend.

Oops, he's still running away, a little -- from the greedy feeling he gets from thinking about teaching a skill as leaving a mark on a heart.]

[The inner monologue, not quite meant for sharing, but felt and heard like the a conversation on the other side of a wall, catches Komaeda off guard. It only really solidifies the realization that the vulnerability he had been so nervous about went both ways.

Is Atem nervous too? He wonders, if he concentrates enough, would he be able to differentiate the fluttering anxiety in his chest between them?

As they climb into the elevator—too small and cramped for Komaeda's new height, so he hunkers down—he catches the sight of that glowing symbol on his forehead again, only partially obscured by his hair, in the metallic surface of the elevator doors.

It feels, vague as it is, like looking directly into Atem's eyes. A feeling of power and strength, along with the boyish uncertainty that comes with navigating a love not-quite-there-yet, too. When those infiltrating thoughts in his mind get cut off, he wonders again just how much his perception of Atem had been a persona meant to be a defense.

I have to tell him, too, he thinks to himself, though it's shared regardless. And then, with more intent of thinking directly to the soul sharing his body: I only wanted to ask you for this.

With their entire conversation held within a shared mind, the silence of the elevator around them only makes Komaeda that much more aware of how his heart has slowed to a heavy, comfortable thud. As if this moment were something separate from everything else.

It's not that he doesn't trust others with this fear of his, but...

When I thought of who I wanted to fly the most with, it was only you, Atem-kun.

[Atem only isn't nervous because he trusts himself and trusts his heart. He can avoid sinking too far into darkness, as long as nothing's deliberately trying to pull him down -- as long as nothing hits too close to home.

Both he and Komaeda are working to avoid that.

If he stopped to think about this, if he stopped to remember all the things that he could be worried about Komaeda seeing, hearing....he'd be paralyzed, and he'd give them all up.

So, he won't stop.

He stays in the moment.

And, when Komaeda says only you, all the eyes in their face blink, not quite in sync. That admission makes Atem feel like something's caught fire in his chest, small but flickering, and he places a hand against their breastbone, as though pressure could keep this feeling contained.

Why? he asks, and though the question could sound derisive or dismissive in another tone, "why did you do that" isn't the question he's asking. Was there a reason?

If there is, he wants to know. Why him? What drew Komaeda to him for getting past his fears and learning flight, and not anyone else?]

[He can't tell if the warmth felt in their chest is his or Atem's. Maybe it's both, really—because the way that Atem brings their shared hand to touch over that spot is tender and hopeful in a way that feels painful... but in the best of ways. It's like growing pains, where change is coming, and its good change, so you're looking forward to it.

Why did he want Atem, and only Atem?

Before he can even really answer, he remembers all the ways that the guy has been there for him, even when he didn't have to be. How, when recovering from being childhood friends to strangers, Atem still took the things that Komaeda cared about seriously. And, how, when things got difficult, Atem didn't run away from the conversation with him. When he disappeared for months, trying to keep himself as shut in as possible, dodging the sight of others, or just sleeping for more hours than he was awake, Atem searched for him nonstop.

And when he was carved open on a cold metal slab, when he revived incomplete, when he struggled his way to Lila, because he didn't have anyone else he could be vulnerable like that to, she told Atem to come for him. And he came running.

The reason Komaeda only wanted Atem is because...

You're the one person who has always caught me, when I was falling... Even if I didn't want you to. His thoughts are quiet in his mind, but gentle. Like sharing a secret, sacred feeling, kept locked away in his heart until now. I know that you'll continue to catch me, always. You've never given me a reason to doubt that.

[So...his efforts weren't useless, when it comes to Komaeda.

Atem has been fighting for a long time against a world that wants the opposite thing he does: he wants to protect his friends, while Ryslig wants them afraid and in pain. So many times, he's felt like he's failed...

...but Komaeda doesn't see it that way.

That's what I want, Atem thinks, their heart beating, pounding, under his hand. Because I love--

And the elevator doors open with a bright little chime, making Atem's eyes blink open.

Right...let's go.

Taking hold of the distraction, Atem walks them out of the elevator and into the hall,
needing to duck to get out and hunch as they head for the front doors.

I'll be glad when we're outside...really, I don't like getting taller at all!

He seems to intend to move on, from the thought he'd almost finished in the elevator.]

[Atem... what?

It's a good thing the shade possessing him takes the lead and forces their legs to move, because if it had been dependent on Komaeda, they would've stood stunned in the elevator yet.

Does Atem... love him?

He can feel the way their heart thunders so loud, how it commands his attention, despite Atem continuing their conversation in their head—as if what he had almost said hadn't happened at all.

Maybe he's reading too far into it, though. It's possible that, because Atem was cut off, he was going to say something else entirely. Maybe he loves their friendship, and how far it's come. Maybe he loves spending time together, because they're talking again. Komaeda shares those sentiments, truly. Even if his heart yearns for more, he was being one hundred percent honest when he said he's happy just having the other in his life.

So he doesn't mention it, even if Atem might be privy to the odd mix of emotions running through them. Even if their stomach flutters so hard it feels like they simultaneously might throw up and can't stop the giddy, stupid smile from spreading across their face.

I guess there's advantages to being so short, normally... I bet I'd feel the same way if I suddenly lost height.

His thought is. Suddenly a playful jab. They're playing now, maybe.]

[He feels all that fluttering, the kind of feeling that might well be why they call it being lovesick, and Atem...

...steps away from it, for now. He can't -- shouldn't -- they should be friends. Indulging in romantic feelings he can't deliver on is an unfair tease at best and a betrayal at worst.

(But, that smile...that feels really good. Uncomplicatedly, it makes him happy, to feel it, to share it.)

I never like gaining height! It makes the world feel too small...but I guess it would feel too big for you, if you got shorter.

Yeah, they're playing. He's teasing back.]

[And how easy it is, to fall into their familiar little game. Even Atem's bite back doesn't feel that sharp, what with those sweet could-be sentiments fresh in their mind. What follows it, almost immediately, is a hum that's at once thoughtful and playful.

Right. I don't know how I'd manage living my life being your height, Atem-kun. Maybe along with flying, we could try reaching for the things you usually have a hard time with?

Though his tease is followed by another rush of fluttering, this time it's the thrill of their impromptu little game. What lines draw in the sand are new ones to test, now that there's more trust blooming in their hearts—now that Atem can feel it, in the very core of his being, that Komaeda isn't trying to needle to bring him down. It's like the playful bow of a dog followed by a sneeze, just to make sure the other knows he's just teasing.]

WELCOME TO YOUR PRIVATE CHANNEL, NAGITO KOMAEDA. FOR SECURE COMMUNICATION, USE 004.28.777.00 * MrBrightside has joined 004.28.777.00 <MrBrightside> Hello there! This is Komaeda. <MrBrightside>** I'm grateful that you want to talk to me.

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