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WELCOME TO YOUR PRIVATE CHANNEL, NAGITO KOMAEDA. FOR SECURE COMMUNICATION, USE 004.28.777.00 * MrBrightside has joined 004.28.777.00 <MrBrightside> Hello there! This is Komaeda. <MrBrightside>** I'm grateful that you want to talk to me.

Anonymous username(s): < Triple7 > < BlueRam >

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Ryslig is what matters to me too.

[ Deep in her heart, her belief that they are all living fog - something she generally doesn't share with people, despite thinking about it frequently - stays locked away. It hurts others to think about it too much, she's pretty sure - especially those with hope to get out.

Which Komaeda doesn't seem to have. That's interesting. Okami-san doesn't either... is that just what happens if you stay here for too long?

Her focus returns to the school, the boxes. Turns over what Komaeda said. Some of his happiest memories and worst hardships. That's her problem too. It isn't just one thing. ]

I don't think... I would have died, if I'd gone. [ But can she be sure? How much longer would she even have made it, without... she pushes that thought away. ]

But it helped me learn how to live better, too. [ It's corny, but she doesn't feel like having much of a filter on that right now. And it's the truth. ] All of us-- it brought us together, so... I guess it did something right.

[ Her shadowy hands cling tightly to Komaeda's. In the darkness of the roof corner, where the two of them are spectral, it's something for each of them to hold onto. Something dear and precious. ]

... But I hate how it treated-- all of you. [ And herself? Jury's out. But the others is something she can focus on. ] You all deserved better...

[It’s true that Nanami likely would’ve lived if she had never gone to Hope’s Peak. None of them would’ve had the exact experiences they had without it. But that’s just the thing, isn’t it? They wouldn’t have the good without the bad. That’s not how anything works, and so, perhaps Nanami wouldn’t have died, but would she have had reasons to live, either? The way she talked about her life before the school… had been so lonely.

Regardless, Hopes peak isn’t the reason she died. He is.]

Don’t speak like… [His voice strains slightly,] you didn’t matter in that equation. We… wouldn’t even be the class that we were without you.

You deserved better, too! You, more than the rest of us, deserve to have a long and happy life… I’ll make sure you do. So, please… don’t speak like you don’t matter. I… I wouldn’t have the few good parts I do, without you.

[ The intensity he speaks with startles her. The way she glossed over her own existence - that's something that someone else might have missed. But Komaeda latches onto it immediately.

Shouldn't she expect that? He'd always cared about all of them so deeply, including her... ]

Of course you would! You're an amazing person. You're kind, and loving-- to everybody except yourself! You care so much about everyone - so much that you'll sacrifice yourself if you think it would help!

[ It's maybe the one behavior of his that she hates - but she doesn't hate him for it. She hates that the world has made him think this is how he has to be.

She clings desperately to him and turns to face him properly. ] I'll-- I can try-- not to take myself out of the equation, like that. [ Shoka's helped her with that. So have all of her friends here in Ryslig, really. ] But you have to do the same, too!

I'm not the sort of person you see me as, Nanami-san... If I'm amazing, it's because your kindness made me this way. I didn't even have anything to live for, before meeting you.

[It's something he never shared with her, he never really had a reason to. From within their shared darkness, he inches just a bit closer, as if the shadows of her form could comfort his, like an all-consuming hug.]

You know, I... was dying, before. I was diagnosed with a terminal disease, and I had nothing left. I wanted to surround myself with the very institution and talent I idolized because I had no other reason to live. I had no family, no friends.

Until I had you. You brought us all together, Nanami-san. I could never do something like that. Even our classmates... They only tolerated me, you know? But not you. You actually cared about me... I heard you tried to ask about me, after I was suspended...

But when I came back, I couldn't even protect you... My most precious friend.

[Does scum like that even deserve to be part of the equation? He would say no, but he also already knows Nanami's answer, if he were to ask her.]

[ Dying... she'd known his life was horrible before Hope's Peak, but not that part about it. She'd gathered that he pushed people away, but hadn't realized it was because he was actively dying.

Her heart, such as it is, hurts even more for him.

Their shadowy forms almost overlap now, as Nanami drifts closer, doing her best to envelop him in her shadow, an insubstantial hug as he talks; what little comfort she can give. ]

It wasn't your fault. [ The hypocrisy is staggering - because even after seeing her stage over the summer, the repeating game that promised attempt after attempt to escape the labyrinth, but never actually let her win it - she hadn't believed it herself. But for him, she will.

Because she's allowed to relive that day in her memory constantly and in her nightmares - but she doesn't want him to. ]

She would have killed me one way or another. There wasn't a way out. [ A flash of anger runs through her. A small part of the mock school in front of them collapses, as some of the front boxes near the front fall over. ]

You are that person. Even if you try to pretend not to be - Komaeda-kun -- I cared about you because you cared about me, too. You cared about all of us. You-- you cared so much that you sacrificed yourself at the gym, and I couldn't even stop you!!

Edited 2023-01-22 10:22 (UTC)

You don't know that!

[Komaeda doesn't mean to raise his voice, but it happens regardless. It pitches and scratches, like peaking audio, as he feels his emotions swell. Combined as they are, Nanami might feel those emotions, too.]

If I had gone by myself, it could've been different... I shouldn't have brought you with me, and... We shouldn't have told everyone else about it, either.

[He could've sacrificed just himself, for everyone. Would their class have been okay, if he had? If he had given himself, and only himself, up to Junko, would things have been alright?]

How many people would've been spared from despair, if I hadn't tried to play the hero, Nanami-san? Every time I try to do something for others, I mess it up... My luck goes bad, and people suffer, they're expelled... They die, Nanami-san!

A curse like me, should've never been born...

[ As Komaeda's influence expands, Nanami's own grows smaller, more compact; curling up in his shadow as she does, hiding her face away from the world and from the guilt and shame she feels.

The emotions are overwhelming, yes - but they're identical to ones she's felt herself; so it's hard for who to tell who they're coming from, really, and who's reflecting them. ]

M-maybe I don't know that... maybe I relive that day all the time... I wonder if I could have found a way out of that labyrinth--

But I can't accept that it was your fault!! I can't accept that it was your luck's, either! Junko planned everything, Junko's the one who hurt me and hurt you, and our whole class, and I can't blame you for anything that happened!

I can't stop loving you, any of you, and I'm sorry!!

[It feels like a storm swell, like he's expanding as he takes Nanami's pain in, and mixes it with his own. The guilt, the suffering—it's all the same color as his own. An endless torrent of despair that started with the cut of a smile and blood-red nails. It feels like these emotions might just swallow him whole as his entire body expands like a lightening cloud, tossing lawn chairs and toppling more and more of the box-made Hope's Peak academy.

Nanami cowers beneath it all but she doesn't back down, just like in the labyrinth. He feels her fear like it's his own, like pulling an old and familiar glove on. They share that fear as they share every other bit of hurt between them like this compounding pressure will, at the very least, turn their garbage into a diamond.

But then she apologizes and it's like the whole world has gone still. Like he can't breathe. Like if he breathes, time will start again, and the pain will come back, and—he's no better, right now. He's hurting Nanami, and he's hurting himself. He's doing everything he promised he wouldn't again, despite himself. Despite his progress. Didn't he say he would stop running away? Didn't he say he would continue to be honest, even when it was difficult?]

Oh god, [his voice shudders, and suddenly its like an implosion—the roiling massive cloud that was his body caves in, and he collapses into the shadow that is Nanami. Despite not having proper limbs, they meld together once more, holding each other.] I'm sorry, Nanami-san I... I didn't mean it.

Please don't be upset, Nanami-san.

[I don't want to hurt you, again.]

[ In the moment that he does, she feels the same horror - she let things get bad, she let their feelings get out of control -

And that's mirrored too; the same guilt, so much that he speaks it aloud. They're no better or worse than each other; they'll endlessly forgive the other, and hurt themselves for their own shortcomings. How long has it been like this?

His comfort reflects back, and she tries to feel soothing, quell his own sorrow. Little wordless thoughts, it's okay it's okay it's okay.

They hold each other, two shadows in one; it's not as good as a hug, but it's better, too. She doesn't want to move from this spot, where he resides.

The mock school in front of them is slowly crumbling, boxes toppling, from their combined grief. ]

I'm not upset. I c-couldn't be, with you... [ She has to be honest. The little shadow swallows, even though she doesn't need to. ] I... I am with myself, a lot. I told you... I'm no Hope...

[ Her breath, and her voice, go quiet, so much that nobody outside this little shadow could possibly hear. ] But I'm glad... that you're here. I'm glad... that you're my friend. I missed you so much. I thought I'd messed up so badly that I'd never see you again... I was wrong about that.

[ She curls in tight. ] You aren't a curse. You were never a curse. I don't care-- if you never believe me. I'll keep telling it to you. You make my life better. You make your friends' lives better-- here and at Hope's Peak too. You're amazing, Komaeda-kun, it's the truth.

[Even if they curl into each other, even if they manage to hold one another with a gentle firmness that speaks volumes above any words they could exchange, Komaeda hates that Nanami is so upset. He hates her sadness, and her guilt. He hates that her breaths hitch with the same cadence as a sob, even if she can't spare tears. He hates that he couldn't stop her pain, as if it were his responsibility, simply for the fact that he cares so deeply for her.

It takes concerted effort not to fall into those feelings, now, as he tries to simply be there for her as she is for him. She speaks so soft and sweet, despite the despair he can feel radiating through him as if it were his own (it might very well be his own, he reasons, and maybe she feels it too).]

You are Hope, [he corrects her, cutting through the sentiments she tries to push solely unto him,] you're my hope, Nanami-san.

I... I love seeing you shine... When you bring a whole group together, and turn a bunch of strangers into friends... It's an amazing thing to see. And I'm positive you've done the same in Ryslig, too.

I know you don't think I'm a curse. I don't think... you're actually capable of disliking anyone with your whole heart. You're the type of person to see the good in everyone, the strength they themselves might not see.

That's your superpower, you know?

[He pauses—and though neither of them have the corporeality that would allow him to, the sentiment of pulling her closer to him is felt all the same. As if a hug weren't enough, as if they could become one, and fully mix together so as to steal a little bit of that strength for himself.]

If I'm amazing, then it's only because I've had an amazing person to look up to first.

[ The gentleness and love washes through her; the sensation of his very being overlapping hers overwhelms her. Komaeda's quiet voice echoes all around, lifting her up with strength.

But there's a wrongness to at least a facet of it, - which sours the rest. How much does he see her, versus who he thinks she is? How much does he know about what she's become in Ryslig? ]

I don't know if that's true... [ She murmurs quietly, though not for a second letting go of him. They are a single shadow now, hidden away in a dark corner. ] I... I want to... but I can't, sometimes...

[ A pause, the words floating in the air as if they're tangible, before she explains what she means: ] Elias... when we went to Felfri... h-he hurt... so many of us... I want-- I want to understand him... but I just.... feel so angry... about what he did to all of us... to all my friends!!...

[ The forbidden feelings stir the fire in her heart anew. The remaining boxes, in front of them, start to fall to the ground; Hope's Peak crumbled, whether by their combined will or not. ]

[Komaeda has to stop himself with arguing with Nanami—that some child-god with an inflated ego isn't comparable to the average person, that there can be stipulations to his statement but... He manages, just barely, to restrain himself from doing so.

If she's mentioning it, that means it matters to her, right? He's had to learn to look a little closer at the feelings people share with him, that it isn't always just the surface that holds meaning. Is Nanami upset with herself, for not being able to see a shred of good in Elias? Or is she upset because she did see good in his cause, and that led to sitting idle to her friends being hurt?

She might feel that in his quiet pause, there's genuine concern. There's thought and worry, and the inherent, wordless process of: think, what would Nanami say, at a time like this? As if he were trying to emulate the very person he was seeking to comfort.]

You can feel both, I think... [Is what he lands on, after a moment. He isn't sure how much he believes the words himself, but...] When Junko Enoshima did what she did... I was both angry with her, and I wanted to understand her.

There's a difference between forgiveness and understanding, I think. You don't have to forgive Elias for what's he done, even if you want to know why he's doing it. He isn't entitled to your kindness, either...

[The boxes that symbolized Hope's Peak are crumpled, just as Junko had left it. Just as they leave it, now, as a symbol of their past. What matters now is their future, and what they make of it—and Komaeda needs Nanami to know that he supports her, no matter what.]

I... hate Elias, too.

Even if he has his reasons for doing what he's doing, even if his followers only follow him because they want to go home... I can't forgive anyone who would hurt my precious friends for their own selfish hope. I think... you're right to be angry, Nanami-san. After everything you've experienced, you know more than anyone... That sort of pain.

[ There's nothing Nanami can do about Junko. She's dead in some other world she might never become a part of again; all there is here is her sister and followers, none of whom deserve Nanami's frustrations. And the more she's learned about Junko, the more Nanami's realized that Junko doesn't deserves those frustrations, either.

Only the school does - the school that hurt and preyed on all of them - and that's why she made the box version, really. But even that was a limp and poor substitute towards the real thing...

But her anger towards Elias-- it's fresher. It's an easier target. He'd willfully hurt so many of her friends, practically a whole world... he's dangerous and scary.

Nagito's words stoke the fire, a coldness and determination arising in her. What she can understand is he's a threat. What she can understand is that she's angry and wants to do something about it. ]

I can't forgive him. Maybe I will someday. But I need him to know what he did.

[ There's nothing they can do to stop a god. But that's not stopping the determination swirling thru both of them. Nanami starts to unstick herself from Komaeda, so that she doesn't poison his being with any feelings he doesn't want to be part of him. ]

I need him to know. I need to tell him.

... I need to get into the arcade.

[Nanami's anger is visceral. It feels as fresh and as raw as his own, and though she tries to pull away from him, he doesn't let her. He won't let her. He'll never allow her to feel her pain alone, if he has his own choice.

Within the span of their mixing shadows, he clutches at the approximation of her shoulders to keep her close, connected. He knows her pain so intimately, he doesn't want her to pull away from the inherent understanding that radiates off of him.]

Nanami-san.

[His voice clips with worry, audio glitching at its edges as he does his very best then, and only then, to form a pair of eyes within his shadow to look at her properly with. He leans forward, presses the general area of his forehead to hers, and rests there for a moment.

He's here, he'll always be here for her, he'll always support her no matter what. Even now, he worries but... He knows she needs this. She was there, in Felfri. She saw first hand what Elias did to their most precious people. She should be allowed to feel her anger, even if his own protectiveness of her hates the idea of her going to the arcade.]

Don't die. If you die, I... I don't think I can handle that, again...

[ He pulls her back, and it's warm relief to be enveloped by him again, overlapping. There's silent reassurance that it's okay that she feels like this, and okay to want to get the feelings out, and it's like refreshing water to drink.

It strengthens her. His love makes her more resolved. This is what she means to protect, always. Her dear friends don't deserve to be hurt and abused by a force who doesn't care for them, and only wants power...

Their foreheads meet, and mix, almost like their brains are touching if they still had any. Nanami closes her eyes, and reflects back into Komaeda that reassurance and love. ]

I'll be careful. I promise. [ She can't promise not to die. But she can promise to do her best. ]

I'll be back soon, I... [ She hesitates, and looks to the fallen school boxes. Guess they did figure out what to do with that after all. ]

Thank you.

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cw: tacks a terminal illness mention on here just in case

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