[Taking in a deep, silent breath, Hajime reaches inside himself for what he remembers from that time. Will the way he felt back then return to him along with those memories? Hajime shuts his eyes and focuses, drawing on his memories as a method actor would.]
...If you want me to be honest, Nagito, then I'll tell you that mostly, I was angry. I was angry when we found your body, and I was angry because of the mystery you set up for us.
[He's not about to call it brilliant. Maybe to Nagito it was, but to Hajime and the others, it was just-- twisted, and frustrating, and awful.]
I was... so angry, Nagito. You know, even though you were being cold and distant with us at the time, even though you set the hotel on fire, even though you were against all of us and didn't trust any of us... even so, none of us wanted to see you like-- like that. Like how you ended up.
[A pause, and nothing crunches into the silence. Nagito's toast is on his plate.
Though what Nagito's talking about is so morbid, he's gazing at Hajime through an expression that Hajime can only describe as wilted. It's either the result of having been asleep in that pod for so many months, or it's because Nagito's still affected by what happened on the fifth island. ...Hajime hates that he thought about it in that order, but his brain still prioritizes cold logic and reasoning over emotional cues. His emotional intelligence is still compromised, nowhere near what it used to be.
It wasn't just Hajime's capacity for emotion that had been taken from him during that 'life-changing' operation. It was also his capacity to understand emotion in others, to even think in emotional terms at all. As Izuru Kamukura, he didn't process any emotions at all. Not his own, if he even had any, and definitely not anyone else's.
...Speaking of Izuru Kamukura, Nagito is. It's the second time Nagito's said that name tonight. He's really pushing some kind of point, isn't he... it's like he wants to make Kamukura the topic of discussion. Is that it? Maybe that's why he keeps bringing up the name. Does he want Hajime to say something about it?
Thinking about it now, will there even be another chance to have this talk, after tonight?
Tomorrow morning (or more accurately, in a few hours from now) Nagito will be wheeled in to the rehabilitation program set up by the Future Foundation - he'll be given things to do, appointments to make, a room of his own to stay in, and then there'll be all the operations he might have to have, all the work that'll probably be done on his arm. If he gets a spare moment over the next few weeks, he'll probably want to spend it by himself.
Meanwhile, Hajime will be expected to get on with his other tasks, his other obligations, he'll have a whole world to share his talent with now. Now that Nagito's awake, Hajime will have to get on with doing the other things he's been neglecting, the things expected of him as the Ultimate Hope.
It's still weird, referring to himself by that title, but it's not a weird he can't tolerate. It doesn't do to his stomach or his throat - or his head - what the name Izuru Kamukura does.]
...And, you know, learning that I was Izuru Kamukura hasn't changed anything. I mean, when I think about it now, when I really focus my thoughts on everything that happened on the fifth island, I still feel some of that anger.
[Bitterness seizes Hajime's face, and his eye contact with Nagito falls away like it's been cut in two.]
If I was still Izuru Kamukura, though, I wouldn't feel anything. If I was Kamukura, I wouldn't even be able to remember what it was like to feel anything. My memory of past events would still be clear, but recalling those memories, I wouldn't have any emotional response. I- I wouldn't even remember having felt anything at the time...
Even now, I'm still struggling to process emotions properly. In myself and in others. I'm getting a lot better with getting myself to feel things like a normal person would, but... when it comes to other people... there's still a slight delay, as if it's a language, and I'm not that fluent in it anymore.
[But a delayed reaction is still better than none at all, right?] But I'm not that different from the Hajime Hinata you knew in the simulation. In fact, I-I'm more like that Hajime Hinata now, than I am Izuru Kamukura.
I don't want you to think of me any differently at all, Nagito. I'm still Hajime Hinata. I'm still that person you met on that island.
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...If you want me to be honest, Nagito, then I'll tell you that mostly, I was angry. I was angry when we found your body, and I was angry because of the mystery you set up for us.
[He's not about to call it brilliant. Maybe to Nagito it was, but to Hajime and the others, it was just-- twisted, and frustrating, and awful.]
I was... so angry, Nagito. You know, even though you were being cold and distant with us at the time, even though you set the hotel on fire, even though you were against all of us and didn't trust any of us... even so, none of us wanted to see you like-- like that. Like how you ended up.
[A pause, and nothing crunches into the silence. Nagito's toast is on his plate.
Though what Nagito's talking about is so morbid, he's gazing at Hajime through an expression that Hajime can only describe as wilted. It's either the result of having been asleep in that pod for so many months, or it's because Nagito's still affected by what happened on the fifth island. ...Hajime hates that he thought about it in that order, but his brain still prioritizes cold logic and reasoning over emotional cues. His emotional intelligence is still compromised, nowhere near what it used to be.
It wasn't just Hajime's capacity for emotion that had been taken from him during that 'life-changing' operation. It was also his capacity to understand emotion in others, to even think in emotional terms at all. As Izuru Kamukura, he didn't process any emotions at all. Not his own, if he even had any, and definitely not anyone else's.
...Speaking of Izuru Kamukura, Nagito is. It's the second time Nagito's said that name tonight. He's really pushing some kind of point, isn't he... it's like he wants to make Kamukura the topic of discussion. Is that it? Maybe that's why he keeps bringing up the name. Does he want Hajime to say something about it?
Thinking about it now, will there even be another chance to have this talk, after tonight?
Tomorrow morning (or more accurately, in a few hours from now) Nagito will be wheeled in to the rehabilitation program set up by the Future Foundation - he'll be given things to do, appointments to make, a room of his own to stay in, and then there'll be all the operations he might have to have, all the work that'll probably be done on his arm. If he gets a spare moment over the next few weeks, he'll probably want to spend it by himself.
Meanwhile, Hajime will be expected to get on with his other tasks, his other obligations, he'll have a whole world to share his talent with now. Now that Nagito's awake, Hajime will have to get on with doing the other things he's been neglecting, the things expected of him as the Ultimate Hope.
It's still weird, referring to himself by that title, but it's not a weird he can't tolerate. It doesn't do to his stomach or his throat - or his head - what the name Izuru Kamukura does.]
...And, you know, learning that I was Izuru Kamukura hasn't changed anything. I mean, when I think about it now, when I really focus my thoughts on everything that happened on the fifth island, I still feel some of that anger.
[Bitterness seizes Hajime's face, and his eye contact with Nagito falls away like it's been cut in two.]
If I was still Izuru Kamukura, though, I wouldn't feel anything. If I was Kamukura, I wouldn't even be able to remember what it was like to feel anything. My memory of past events would still be clear, but recalling those memories, I wouldn't have any emotional response. I- I wouldn't even remember having felt anything at the time...
Even now, I'm still struggling to process emotions properly. In myself and in others. I'm getting a lot better with getting myself to feel things like a normal person would, but... when it comes to other people... there's still a slight delay, as if it's a language, and I'm not that fluent in it anymore.
[But a delayed reaction is still better than none at all, right?] But I'm not that different from the Hajime Hinata you knew in the simulation.
In fact, I-I'm more like that Hajime Hinata now, than I am Izuru Kamukura.
I don't want you to think of me any differently at all, Nagito. I'm still Hajime Hinata. I'm still that person you met on that island.