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WELCOME TO YOUR PRIVATE CHANNEL, NAGITO KOMAEDA. FOR SECURE COMMUNICATION, USE 004.28.777.00 *** MrBrightside has joined 004.28.777.00 <MrBrightside> Hello there! This is Komaeda. <MrBrightside> I'm grateful that you want to talk to me. | ||||
Anonymous username(s): < Triple7 > < BlueRam >
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[Plain, straightforward, simple -- but Atem won't leave it at that. He'll show his work.
A hand grips Komaeda's shirt and pulls downward, wordlessly telling Komaeda to crouch again, because Atem wants to have this conversation at eye level. Komaeda can refuse, of course, but if he does, Atem will unfurl his wings and float up to eye level with wing-beats, ones too slow to achieve the hover he's in with pure physics; there's magic at work here.
Either way, whether Komaeda goes down or Atem comes up, though, two clawed and scaly hands are going to take the sides of Komaeda's face, and he's going to hold Komaeda's gaze, keeping their faces close.]
You're not like you used to be...but, it's your friends who are helping you stay that way, right? So, even if I see something terrible, something worse than what I already know...I know that staying with you is the best way to keep the things you don't like in the past.
[He's not going to kiss Komaeda. That's too far, even for Atem's demon-self. But he is going to hold Komaeda on either side of his jaw, gazing into Komaeda's main set of eyes with his own red-on-black ones, his face too close and his touch too tender to be entirely chaste.]
Even if I saw the worst thing in the world, I wouldn't leave you...I would want to keep protecting you from it, and stop it from coming back.
[They absolutely will not kiss, but the way the words are said, with Atem's breath ghosting over Komaeda's face, is about as close as you can get.]
You can trust me with your memories.
cw: terrorism, self harm mentions
It's not that he doesn't believe the words being said to him. Rather, he wants to desperately believe in them with a blind trust that could fill his vessel up to the brim. He wants to feel that safety of that certainty so badly and yet... All he can think about is how Atem was at the beginning of the previous month.
Would seeing the memories locked with Komaeda's head bring out that despair, again? To see not only himself, but the classmates that Atem has come to know, in situations no human being should ever have to live through? Heinous acts of violence, of self-mutilation, of reveling in torment... It's all the things that seemed to have worn Atem down within the last two years—and the last thing Komaeda wants is to worsen that.
The trepidation he feels is worn plainly on his face. Even if Atem is so close he can feel the ghosting of warm breath across his face. Close enough to feel that fiery bodyheat in a way that makes his heart race for reasons other than his own nerves. He knows that if he's to move forward, he needs to trust. And he does trust Atem, wholeheartedly, to protect him. What he doesn't trust is himself.]
I do trust you, Atem-kun... That's why I asked you to do this for me.
[He glances up at the other meekly, having to really pull himself to do it.]
I just don't... Want to hurt you, when you've already been through so much...
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The Atem of today knows that's not true.
So, he has a different answer, that he gives with his fingertips feather-light on Komaeda's cheeks, his claw-tips just barely brushing skin.]
Then, if it gets bad, I'll look away.
If I see something that feels like too much for me to bear...I'll leave your heart for a little while, so I don't have to endure it all.
If it's something that's in the past, and there isn't an important reason I have to understand it...if looking won't change anything, and will only hurt me...then, it's okay to turn away, and not let it in.
[A scaly thumb shifts just a little, almost imperceptibly, in a small, reassuring touch.]
I'll also protect myself. I know that's important, too.
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What lives within the space of Komaeda's skull will never leave. It'll follow him until his death, and beyond. It's the burden he carries now, but one that he welcomes as he does his best every day to no longer be that person. Just as Atem is trying his best, now, to recognize when it might get bad for him. Even if they share a heart, Atem will turn away from the things Komaeda can't hide. In a way, it's the same as embracing his faults.
It's finally what relaxes him into that tender touch. He turns his face into Atem's palm, fights the urge to kiss is (because that still feels too close to what isn't allowed), and lets his rigid shoulders round down. They don't have to protect each other singlehandedly. They can do it as a team.]
Thank you, Atem-kun.
[Komaeda reaches up, touching his fingers softly to the underside of Atem's forearm. Not enough to be a grip—to be controlling, or to sting—but enough to say I'm here with you.]
Then... It'll be okay, I think.
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This way...they're working together. They're both important. They're both worth protecting, they should both get to feel happy and safe...
Atem watches Komaeda's head turn into his touch with a fondness that's tinged with greed. It's a little like a cat...and a little like holding the reins of a quiet, still horse. Komaeda is bigger than him, with magic Atem is weak to, just the touch prickles and stings, and very likely, he'd be Atem's match, if he has the speed-power -- but he's docile, trusting, with no sign of that tempestuous temper or wild impulse that means Komaeda's someone to worry about.
It's sweet, and it's dangerous, and he doesn't want this feeling to end.
He holds them there for a moment longer, taking it in. But then, Atem lets go and wraps his arms around Komaeda's shoulders one more time, giving a tight, affectionate squeeze.]
Mhm. It will!
[They're back to safety -- back to a hug between friends.]
I'll meet you in the hallway tomorrow. Okay?
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In the past it might've been different. They were on opposite sides of an unspoken line drawn in the sand. They had a conflict in ideals that clashed on the very fundamentals of it, and both of them had been willing to kill or die for them. Even if it meant that the enemy was the person who had taken root in their heart.
Komaeda had tried desperately, back then, to bring himself to hate Atem. It would've been easier to just not have the feelings he did, held in his heart. But those feelings drove deeper than either of them could have imagined, and the him of today is much more thankful for that.
So when Atem pulls away now, trades his tender touch for a reassuring embrace that lasts only seconds, Komaeda contents himself with it. This is so much better than not having the guy in his life at all, he thinks. And that feeling shows on his sheepish expression now, too.]
Yes, right. I'll see you tomorrow then, Atem-kun...
[He'll wait for the guy to take a step back before he brings himself to stand. Once they've said their goodbyes for now, he'll part with his stomach feeling like butterflies and his heart feeling like a cloud. Just for another day.]
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...honestly, he has a snack and goes to sleep. He'd been up all night as a vampire, it's late for him -- and he's still weak to sunlight, thanks to how his priest-power works. Sleep sounds good.
Around the same time tomorrow, a shadow with glowing yellow-white eyes will pass smoothly through the door of 806 and into the hallway. It looks around -- is Komaeda here yet? Or will he have to stick his head through the door of 807 and tell whoever's there to get Nagito, please? He'd knock, but being solid's still tricky for him...
Maybe I should have waited until after I knocked to change... he thinks.
He will stick his head through the door if Komaeda doesn't come out.]
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And the realization that he might be doing too much is enough to send his anxious energy into what he considers, truly, his best skill: cleaning the apartment from top to bottom. It's likely why when Atem goes to meet up as they've promised, he'll find that Komaeda isn't already waiting for him for once. The guy who's chronically early for everything is no where to be seen!
It won't be until Atem pokes his head through the door that he'll spot Komaeda in the entryway, hunched over the floor with his wings fluffed up above him like a shroud, scrubbing at the grout between the tiles as if he life depended on it.
...Atem might have to speak up to get his attention.]
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Komaeda, in his good jewelry, is...scrubbing the floor?
Did he knock something over at the last second, making him late?? That seems most likely, but the tile is sparkling...it's really not like this guy to be late!]
Hey, Nagito...
[--says the creepy shadowy head and neck sticking out of the door, looking down with glowing eyes arched in concern.]
Is everything okay?
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No, it isn't until Atem asks if he's okay that the voice suddenly breaks through his hyperfocus, and he gasps his surprise. And then he tries to look up, while standing up, much too fast, and bonks his head (harmlessly) on the door in front of him.]
A-Atem-kun!
[Komaeda groans, with his hand abandoning his scrubber and coming up to nurse his forehead for a moment. From the floor, he meets the shade's gaze.]
Are you trying to peep on me...?
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If he were still a demon, Atem might have had an answer to that question: would you really mind it if I was? Atem's a shade now and back in a more even frame of mind, but even so, he can't quite resist talking back.]
Not unless you're doing something weird that I shouldn't be looking at. But I don't think "cleaning in your jewelry" counts for something like that...
[But that's all the sass he's got. Back to business!]
I was looking for you!
[Actually, it feels a little silly with just his head in the room...]
Can I come in?
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I see... I guess it is pretty weird... [He mumbles as he continues to rub at his forehead for a moment longer.] I got ready to meet with you, but then I started thinking about how you might think I'm weird for trying to look so nice to go flying, and then... Well...
[He started cleaning in order to deal with spiraling, anxious thoughts. He doesn't really want to linger on his embarrassed he feels now, though, to be caught in such a state. Atem has never had to witness one of his manic cleaning episodes, so he hopes the guy doesn't feel put-off by it.
Komaeda uses the wall beside him to pull himself back up to standing, retrieving the scrubber on the way up.]
Anyways... You can come in, Atem-kun. Let me put this away and then we can head out to the park again.
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Atem's vocal quality is a little odd like this -- ghostly, like he'd been recorded from far away but the volume's turned up.]
I don't think it's weird.
[Rather than stepping closer, the shadow moves along the wall of the entranceway, sliding to the side to look at Komaeda from a different angle, like a projection.]
You clean to take your mind off things, don't you...? As a way to make yourself feel better. When I think of it that way, what I saw isn't weird at all.
[Atem sounds more thoughtful than anything else, floating curiously along the wall as Komaeda goes to put the scrubber away, as he says:]
I didn't know that about you.
[It's interesting, to learn a detail like that...something small, something mundane, but something still important.]
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Intentionally, Komaeda keeps himself turned away from the shadow haunting his walls, and deposits the scrubber into the sink before turning the faucet on to wash his hand.]
I guess... It feels like something I have control over. It's not that interesting, though...
[In a world where his luck had dictated the direction of his life, it was something small and anchoring to hold onto. No matter how badly things got, he could at least control the state of cleanliness around him. In a way it was a method of retreating from the bad, but... It also allowed him to calm down, too.
He pulls his hand from the sink, after thoroughly scrubbing his skin clean, before pulling the hand towel off of the oven's handle to wipe it clean. Even the way he folds the towel before hanging it back up—methodical and precise, using both his residual limb and his front for leverage—lends to a secret want for the things around him to remain neat and organized.]
Are you ready to go, Atem-kun?
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[Atem says it precisely because a large part of him is thinking, Nagito's uncomfortable. I shouldn't draw any more attention to it...and it might be weird to say.
He has to say how he feels for Komaeda to understand him. He has to try to run away from that less.]
But, I'm ready...I want to get in your body here, before we go outside, if that's okay. It's cloudy, but even indirect light makes shades weaker...
[It should be fine once he's hitching a ride in Komaeda's soul. But he doesn't particularly want to go out onto the roof and start shrinking!]
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He's still getting used to Atem being so forward, especially with what he says next. There's something... Inherently dirty sounding about wanting to get into his body. Even though he, realistically, understands what's being implied—it only serves to remind him of just how intimate of an experience they're about to share, is. The only person he's ever truly shared a body with was Lila...
Komaeda swallows and turns to face Atem, still sitting on the wall. He rubs his hand a few times down the front of his sweater, smoothing the fabric over in some manner of self-soothe, as he builds up the courage to finally look at the shade before him. His heart is racing, and already color has begun to creep into his skin, but it feels surprisingly easy when he finally says—]
Okay... I'm ready.
[He's not sure how Atem plans to do it, so... He's just going to stand there awkwardly in the middle of the kitchen, waiting.]
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[The shape that clings to the walls, eyes glowing unnaturally, moving around the room like it wants to see everything -- chuckles. Its eyes narrow, but not in a menacing way: it's a fond curve, a softening at the corners.
Then, it shrinks, sinks -- and if Komaeda looks down, he'll see that the tapered end of darkness where Atem's feet should have been is crawling out from the bottom of the wall, along the floor, reaching for him like a long, long, thin, finger. It branches into two, finding Komaeda's feet and pooling around them, even as more of Atem flows down the wall towards him.]
Don't worry. I'll take good care of youuuuu...
[For a moment, it looks like Komaeda has a shadow again.
Then, the darkness sinks through Komaeda's shoes and socks, crawling up inside of him from the ankles up. There's a flash of light from Komaeda's forehead -- a reflective surface in the kitchen might reveal it to be in the shape of an eye, if Komaeda looks -- and then, Atem's soul is making room for itself beside Komaeda's, settling in with the same attitude as you would settle beside someone on a crowded couch.
Yo!
It's a friendly mental greeting, accompanied by warmth and curiosity and an inquiry, as Atem feels out where his new limbs are, wiggling fingers and fluffing wings: you okay?
If Atem meant anything weird by the dirty way things were phrased, he's not indicating it.]
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When they were both shades, it was different. Komaeda had been so blinded by his own emotions he hardly had time to parse Atem as anything other than safe. Now, though, the shape that stretches towards him in a way that feels reminiscent of ghost stories, doesn't feel safe. It feels like he's stumbled into a yokai's den—like he's about to be eaten.
His heart had been racing before, for the sake of his nerves, but now it's thundering so hard in his ears with panic that he feels like he's about to pass out. Maybe it's because he'd gotten used to what he assumed monsters should be like, that he forgot his animal fear of what lurks in the dark. That comes second nature, now, even when he clenches his eyes shut the moment Atem reaches his shoes.
He has to remind himself that this is his friend, someone he trusts, and not a legend come to life.
Once he feels the first few prickles of something not-supposed-to-be-there invading his body, he's able to relax a little more into it. Somehow, it's easier when he isn't looking the ghost straight on. He hadn't been in his right mind enough to really dissect the sensation of being possessed before, but the distinct feeling of his body being too small is what stands out now. Like it wasn't made to house more than one soul.
And the second Atem settles into his mind and heart, his casual greeting will be met with what feels like a barrage of sensation that's part panic, part radio static with how flurried Komaeda's emotions have become in a matter of moments. It's an adjustment, give him a moment.
It takes a bit of him just standing there, frozen, as Atem feels out his body. Once that moment passes, though, Komaeda exhales a breath he hadn't realized he was holding. He feels warmer, then. Like easing into a drawn bath filled with water at the perfect temperature. He relaxes.
Hello, Atem-kun. He responds quietly, in the space of their shared mind. I... think I'm okay now. I wasn't expecting it to feel like that.
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Being a shade makes Atem feel comfortable, confident, and safe.
So it's a surprise, a worrying one, when he feels all that fluttery panic, and it's a good thing it relaxes after a moment or two. Atem nudges at Komaeda, a feeling that's more emotion than touch, like a dog nosing its owner out of lingering worry.]
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That thought comes immediately, tailed by another, intrusive thought about I'm used to pain, anyways. It comes without him even being able to mitigate it, and again, he feels his heart race. Atem had already said that there wouldn't be anything worth hating Komaeda over within his mind, but it's exactly moments like these—when his mind runs rampant where his mouth isn't able to stop it—that he worries.
This is just the first time I've been fully lucid during possession... So I'm nervous.
It's as much the truth as he can fully divulge—the other sources for his panic are things that he himself doesn't quite recognize. If anything, though, it might serve to show Atem just how often Komaeda keeps his fear tightly contained and doesn't talk about it.
But rather than lingering there, he'll turn to the reflective surface of the stainless steel sink basin, and gaze at their joined reflection. He meets that glowing eye-like symbol and pulls a smile across his face. Don't worry Atem-kun, this is just how my brain is. I warned you that it might be difficult.
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Komaeda's wings, whose nerves and tendons and bone Atem has been feeling out, wrap around their arms and torso, warm and soft.
This time, it's directed at Komaeda: I don't mind that it's difficult! I won't give up on something just because it's not easy...I've never been like that! Atem's heart hums with stirred-up determination: even if Komaeda gets scared, or thinks about things that aren't pleasant, Atem won't give up on him. And, I haven't forgotten my promise...if it gets too bad, I'll protect myself.
Atem's hands come up to grip their upper arms, reassuring, self-soothing. Their eyes, at least the main set if not more, close. Atem feels a wash of affection: he's certain they'll be able to handle this.
I'll take care of you, without forgetting to take care of me...it'll be all right.]
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So the least he can do, when Atem is willing to do something like this for him, is to meet that courage head on. Though he still doesn't want to do anything that would bring the other to dislike him, he feels himself giving into the soothing touch of hands and wings around them. It reminds him of the warmth of Atem's hug the day before.
Thank you, Atem-kun, a smile spreads across their shared visage, soft at the corners and a little bit sheepish, too, for tumbling so easily back down the rabbit hole so soon. You never get fed up with reassuring me... I, I really appreciate that.
The feelings that well up, unspoken but incredibly warm, are no doubt that of some mixing love and admiration. The affection is easily reciprocated as a sensation he wants to sink into forever.
I'll take care of you too, so... please tell me if anything becomes too much, okay?
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But Atem is good, incredibly good, at skimming over the surface of his own fears, skipping like a stone over an unfathomable abyss, full of crushing pressure and dark depth and monsters. He can keep moving, keep fighting, and ignore everything that's not the task at hand...
...and, for the moment, all his monsters remain safely in the depths. It's the shallow warm few feet of sunlit sea he and Komaeda are playing in, letting their mutual regard for each other wash over them like warm rain. It's nice...it's so nice to confirm it, beyond a doubt, that they care for each other like this...
Of course! The thought is bright and brave and focused. Now, let's go...we've only got an hour, and it'll be over before we know it.
Atem glances at the clock, noting the time they have to be back by. Then, he walks the body toward the door, reaching for the handle, taking charge with practiced ease.
I've been looking forward to this...]
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He doesn't really linger in that thought, not when he's so distracted by these shared feelings. It doesn't feel right for him to feel so giddy about being able to do this, now. Atem is helping him as a friend would, and it shouldn't be taken as anything more, but as they step out into that hallway, Komaeda can't help but take back control of their shared hand and idly tug on one of the chains around their neck.
You've been looking forward to this? He asks, like it's a secret to be holding a conversation in his head than aloud. He isn't quite sure what to make of that information. He tugs a bit more on that chain as they make their way to the elevator. Is it really that interesting to possess me...?
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...that the time I get to spend with Nagito is important, he thinks, clearer than the internal monologue a moment ago, and, sharing our hearts like this...what could be more interesting?
I also like that you asked me to help you...I'm happy to be the one to teach you flying. It feels...
He doesn't really have words for the feeling. Just...an impression of mutual trust, of gratitude that Komaeda trusts Atem to lead him through a hard thing that frightens him, and, on top of that...there's a twinge of something a little like possessiveness.
I'm glad you trusted me when you were scared. It means a lot to me. Besides that, I want to be the one to give you something that important and useful. It --
(possessive, reaching, wanting what he can't have, leaving a mark on it anyway, one that can't be stopped or erased, part of him is part of komaeda and no one can undo that)
--never mind, Atem thinks, backpedaling. Don't worry about that, it's not important, he self-corrects, as they duck into the elevator and start to descend.
Oops, he's still running away, a little -- from the greedy feeling he gets from thinking about teaching a skill as leaving a mark on a heart.]
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