Hm... whether I knew about your status as Kamukura or not... what does it matter? Do you think my feelings would be different based on that knowledge?
[Komaeda's attention drops away, to the glass of milk that's sat untouched for the entirety of their conversation. Condensation beads against its surface, and for a moment, he watches the path that one of those dewdrops makes as it slides down towards the table.
He smiles, and for a moment it looks as if he's simply smiling for that little dewdrop before he grabs the glass and brings it to his lips. He takes a few, indulgent gulps of it before settling the base back down.]
You know, Hajime... my love for hope... it's a very selfless love. I don't want anything in return for it, I only want to serve that love and ensure a bright future. So anyone who strives for that hope is someone I love.
[His tongue darts across his lips, licking up the milk that remains on them before his gaze meets Hinata's once more. His eyes, even in the dim lighting of the room, are clear and vibrant.]
But once I knew that we were all Ultimate Despairs, I had a duty to hope to do what was right: to ensure that bright future. Perhaps that's why I failed though... my view is too narrow, I'm not the sort of guy that is able to see what isn't right in front of me.
[His smile spreads a little wider, a little more fond. What good would it do, he wonders, to tell Hinata that his love this time is a little more selfish...?]
But I'm glad that my death wasn't for nothing... it was yet another stepping stone for your hope. How could I not be happy about it?
W-Well, yeah, I think they would be... If you knew I was a member of Ultimate Despair, and still told me you loved my hope [his brow creases as he says it - that's never not going to sound awkward] then... I'd think you were making a joke or something. You wouldn't mean something like that sincerely if you knew I was really Kamukura. That's just not like you.
[...Is it possible Nagito didn't know?]
Anyway...
[He's looking for eye contact, but Nagito's casting a relaxed gaze at his glass of milk. A moment later, he's raising it to his smile, and the volume tilts and lowers as he takes heavy gulps down. There... shouldn't be anything weird about watching him drink, but even so, it embarrasses Hajime enough that he has to look away.
As soon as Hajime hears the setting down of glass on the tabletop, though, he glances back. Nagito's words glint in the darkness that Hajime's eyes have already adjusted to, and it's everything Hajime has heard him say before, until he gets to the last part.
...No, it's just Nagito being Nagito. When he says something like that, he's doesn't mean it in the way Hajime would hope he does.
It's dark enough that Hajime can just see the wet flick of Nagito's tongue along his lips... which is good, because if it were any brighter, Nagito would probably be able to see the color that's spilling across Hajime's face.
Nagito can't see what isn't right in front of him, huh...
Hajime's about to smile at the thought, but what Nagito goes on to say keeps the smile down, and instead brings out a sigh of exhaustion.]
I don't want to think about it like that, Nagito. [Hajime doesn't even want to talk about it anymore.] Even if you're happy now... even if I've gotten over it... you know, it still hurt a lot when you died.
[Komaeda sits forward and as he does, his arms fold on the table in front of him. No longer an apathetic doll to the conversation, he can't help but let his piqued interest show as Hinata struggles keep up his even façade.
Surely... surely it's moments like these where he knows Hinata isn't lying. When he woke from his coma, the memories came flooding back in—and there's no way he would forget the cold, listless stare of Kamukura. So to see those darting eyes, those lips that teeter between a smile and frown... all of it just makes him feel that much more comfortable.]
Perhaps it's impudent of me to get so excited over you feeling such strong emotions for me, Hajime. Even if it's just anger, or sadness...
[His head tilts with a carefree smile.]
No one has ever cared so much about me before... isn't it selfish that I would tease you just to experience your feelings?
[Komaeda reaches for the piece of toast that had bounced from his plate, sets it back on it, then sweeps his hand across the table to scoop up the crumbs into his palm.]
I would promise you I won't be dying again any time soon, but that's not a promise I can keep.
[The way Nagito's sitting forward on the table now, leaning in a little, it really is like this is making him happy. And... Hajime should be happy, knowing Nagito's in a good mood, but... but even so...
Hajime doesn't just feel hurt, he looks it, too. The corners of his lips are turned down and his eyes feel huge on his face.]
You're just teasing me...?
[The hurt worsens as Nagito goes on. Hajime tries to swallow most of it down, but it remains. His chest is sore. Why does Nagito have to talk about death so casually?
...No, Hajime knows why. Even now, after Nagito's been brought back to life in a way, death is still something he has to think about. He'll always have to think about it, as long as he's alive.]
I-- Y-You don't even need to promise something like that. Don't say things like that, Nagito. I don't want to think about you dying again.
[...but what Hajime wants to think about doesn't matter, does it. Nagito has to think about this all the time, whether he wants to or not. He doesn't get a choice.
They have good doctors here, and Hajime wants to promise Nagito that they might be able to do something to help his condition, but... that's not a promise he can keep, either.
He... he sighs. His emotional intelligence isn't strong enough that he can guess at the right thing to say, and he doesn't just want to say something for the sake of talking... His eyes dart around the room, and the ache in his chest intensifies as the silence settles in.]
[Even as Hinata frowns, even has his eyes go wide as dinner plates with his sorrow, Komaeda is smiling. Not because he enjoys the sight of it but because maybe, on some unconscious level, he wants his friend to give up on him. It's easier that way. Who knows when his luck will kill another person, or when his disease will finally claim him—and why would he ever want to burden Hinata with such things?
Yeah, everything would be a lot easier if Hinata had just let him stay in a coma.]
Everyone dies, Hajime... sooner or later. In fact, it's a miracle I've even lived this far. Not just because of my disease, but also because of the state of this despair-infested world.
[The crumbs he swept into his palm are deposited back onto the plate, with its half-eaten toast that's probably soft with cold by now. His gaze hasn't left Hinata's face though—and as he continues in that easy, carefree tone, his eyes fall half-lidded.]
I know you don't want to hear it, but that's the reality of my situation. That you would grieve if I died in the real world, though... you really are a great guy. Yeah, there's no what you're Kamukura if your eyes look so full of sadness right now.
[It's enough to simply be the recipient of such feelings. Even if his own heart hurts, even if his own head feels numb over the thought of such a fate...]
But I'm sorry for upsetting you, Hajime. I'll stop talking about it now, okay?
[Even if everyone dies eventually, that doesn't mean death is easy to think about. Even after everything that's happened... no, especially after everything that's happened, it's not like Hajime can think about death that easily.
He could tell Nagito that the world isn't as filled with despair as it used to be, that things have gotten better in the past few months. That the state of the world is gradually improving. But that's beside the point, isn't it. He lets the thoughts pass with a silent sigh.]
Sorry. I could be a little more understanding.
[Hajime watches as the crumbs are dusted back on to the plate, and then he glances up at Nagito. Nagito looks so... carefree. Maybe even relaxed? He's not agitated at all, and he doesn't look dejected or anything. A little thoughtful, but in the way you would be if you were talking about something as ordinary as the weather.
Well, not that death isn't an ordinary topic. But...
Hajime's reminded of their first few days on the island, when Nagito was going along with everything so comfortably, not even half as anxious and worried as Hajime was. At the time, Nagito's easy attitude had surprised Hajime, even frustrated him a little, and not sure how else to explain it, Hajime wondered if it might be because Nagito had already experienced a lot of trauma. Later he'd learn that yeah, Nagito had... and to just say it was 'a lot' of trauma was really, seriously, an understatement...
He's being insensitive. He frowns at the table, pissed off with himself.]
No, this isn't even about me, so I shouldn't be going on like it is.
I mean, this is something that affects someone I care about, so it's not like I can just ignore it. In fact, it'd be selfish of me to want to ignore it.
[A moment later, he undoes the furrow in his brow, and as the rest of his expression settles, he returns to Nagito.]
You don't have to apologize. And you don't have to drop the topic if you don't want to. I don't want to shut you down. If you want to talk about it, the least I can do is listen.
[He doesn't mean to wince at those words, in fact, Komaeda doesn't even realize the way he tenses up as Hinata speaks. He shouldn't tense up, he tells himself, but it's hard not to. He keeps repeating it, those words that he never thought he would really hear: Hinata cares about him.
Komaeda knew, on some level, that was the case. How could he not, when Hinata would always seek him out in the simulation, the second they had some free time? It always made him happy, and he... even revealed his biggest secrets to him. So really, he shouldn't feel so weird about hearing the words...
And yet, he can feel the heat that burns in his cheeks. The first time, it was easy to tease... but now? Komaeda can't just brush off those words, even if Hinata only means them in camaraderie.]
Hajime... [His voice is quiet, small,] I know I teased you about it before but... you don't have to keep mentioning how much you care about me.
[Oh no, what's this? His heart is hammering in his chest—and even in the veiled darkness of the mess hall, Komaeda lifts his hand to his face with the urge to hide his embarrassment.]
I-I said I was going to stop talking about it, so... let's talk about something else, okay?
[Nagito's wincing. ...Crap, has Hajime said something wrong?
But worry turns to surprise just a moment later, and Hajime's pulling one hand in, taken aback. What he's hearing in Nagito's voice, is that... embarrassment?
But Hajime's not sure why Nagito would be embarrassed. Is it more like disbelief, then? Hajime blinks.]
Well, I, I... [There's a few beats of courage in his chest, and bringing a closed hand to his mouth, he clears his throat. Then he settles, and faces Nagito directly.] ...You say that like you don't believe me. But you don't have to be so dismissive. I-I'm not lying or anything.
[Why is Nagito covering his face like that? Maybe he is embarrassed... Now Hajime's faltering. This is going to get pretty embarrassing for both of them at this rate, so maybe they should talk about something else...]
S-Sure.
[Hajime glances around the mess hall, like there's a topic of discussion to be noticed somewhere, even though he knows there definitely isn't. And even if there was, he wouldn't see it in the darkness. All he really can see is what's in front of him. Nagito, the plate of toast, the tabletop gleaming with moonlight...]
You wouldn't believe how clear the sky is here. [As conversational topics go, it's pretty uninspired, but when Nagito's just woken up from a months-long coma, what else is there to comfortably talk about, other than the weather?]
I mean, especially at night.
[He glances at the windows on the far wall, all of them curtained. If he was to open one of them now, would the light be too much for Nagito's eyes?]
It's like you can see all the stars the sky has to offer. It's really nothing like the sky we used to know.
[The more Hinata points out how dismissive Komaeda sounds, the more sheepish he starts to feel. He can feel his face burning, all the way to the cusps of his ears, and really... if he could just disappear, that would be great.]
Of course I believe you... so you don't have to keep repeating it.
[How could he not believe it? Hinata spent months by his side, caring for him, waiting for him. It would be impossible to just claim all of that were just a lie, because... even with Kamukura inside of him... Hinata isn't a liar.
Komaeda presses his fingers against the bridge of his nose, taking a couple slow, deep breaths through the nose—anything to just calm him a little bit—before meeting Hinata's gaze again.]
In the simulation... you would stare up at the sky a lot, I noticed. [He smiles some at the thought and leaves out the part where he would sometimes notice Hinata, sitting by the pool alone, watching the sky.
He doesn't miss the way Hinata glances at the curtains either, and within the steady silence of the room, the sound of his chair dragging against the floor is deafening when he stands. Still, Komaeda pays it no mind and walks his way (slow and steady) towards the windows. One-handedly, he slides those curtains open and stares up at the night sky.]
Hm... some things never change, do they? [He glances over his shoulder at Hinata,] they're different, but these are the stars you've been gazing at for months aren't they?
It feels like I'm a bit closer to you, just seeing this sky for the first time.
Haha... [The laugh's more of a self-conscious one.] Y-You noticed that?
[Had Nagito been paying that much attention to him? Or is Hajime wishfully overthinking this? In any case, he's beginning to feel a small, hopeful smile appear on his face.
It breaks into surprise a moment later, though. Nagito's chair scrapes noisily across the floor and he's getting to his feet -- wait, does he even have the energy to do that on his own? Won't he hurt himself? He-- he's not going to walk to the windows, is he? His outline wobbles a little in the darkness.]
H-Hey, Nagito, what are you--!
[Hajime pushes his own chair back and stands, going after him. Halfway across the stretch of floor between them, Hajime is hit with cool star- and moon-light, and reflexively he raises a hand above his forehead, relieving his eyes from the sudden flood of brightness.]
Y-Yeah. [It's more a sigh than a word. He crosses the rest of the way and stands where the curtains have been gathered.]
I... When I look up at the stars, I feel like...
I-It's a little embarrassing, but somehow, when I look up at the stars, I feel like I'm a part of something more than I am, if that makes sense? Like I'm a part of something bigger.
[His pause is more thoughtful, this time. More hesitant. But, he trusts Nagito, right? ...No, it's more like, he wants to trust Nagito.]
Or maybe it's like, having the stars above me, I don't feel that alone.
Whatever it is, it's kind of comforting.
[He looks back up at the sky, as if the deep blue light will cool down his face, which really needs it, right now. He blinks up at the sky, and remains that way for a moment.
Then Nagito continues, and there's a little pull in Hajime's chest. As taken aback as he is by Nagito's words, he... he thinks he knows what Nagito means by them.]
Yeah. [He turns his head to Nagito, who he can really see, now that the moonlight's pouring in.] I feel the same way. Closer to you, I mean.
[That small, hopeful smile from before returns, but it's sore in a way that Hajime can't describe, and for a reason he's not so sure he knows.]
[Even as Hinata joins him, Komaeda doesn't turn to look at him just yet. Rather, as he gazes up at that pin-pricked sky, he imagines just how many nights like these he missed just by being in that coma. No... just by being stuck in this messed up situation, all of them, how many beautiful nights have they missed?
But he can't help the little laugh that leaves him, even if it isn't in mocking, at the sound of Hinata's worry.]
A guy like you who shines so brightly... how can you feel alone?
[Finally, he turns to look at Hinata, and for a moment he's mesmerized by the way moonlight washes over his features. In the light, it's much easier to catch sight of those mismatched eyes, and something tugs within his chest. It's a reminder that this Hinata is both different, and the same, than the one he came to care for within the simulation.]
But... you fulfilled the wish of a guy like me, didn't you? You never left me alone... hah...
[He reaches his hand upwards, rubbing the heel of his palm against his eye. It stings a bit, and he can feel heat rising to his cheeks again but... he manages to reel it back.]
I guess I should be thanking you, Hajime... for staying by my side.
['Shines so brightly', huh... It'd be nice to believe that's the kind of person he is, but realistically, how often does Hajime feel that way about himself? How many times has he really felt that way?
Yeah. If he ever believed that about himself, he wouldn't have signed that contract, would he. He wouldn't have let every part of himself get unpicked and taken apart and completely redone. He wouldn't have become Izuru Kamukura, and maybe what happened to Hope's Peak Academy wouldn't have happened... but there's no point in dwelling on things that have already happened and can't be undone.
Feeling alone, though... Can he tell Nagito what he means by that? If Nagito could have shared with Hajime things about himself that were really personal, then can't Hajime do the same now? Can't he at least try to? He... Yeah, he wants to. He takes in a breath.]
The thing is... [He glances aside a moment, testing his words in his head before saying them out loud.] Isn't it difficult to want to share yourself with others, or even with just one other person, when you aren't... exactly happy with who you are?
[His shoulders stiffen, and eye contact might be a bad idea right now. He leads his stare out the window, but more in the direction of the sea than the stars above it.
A moment passes, cool and still. Then, across from him, Nagito's voice wavers, and Hajime glances back at him in time to see him cover half his face with his hand. Nagito pulls it away almost instantly, and though Hajime can't see any wet streaks on Nagito's face, he does see a little redness under the eyes.]
Nagito, you... you don't have to thank me. I wasn't just going to leave you.
[He's already said part of the reason why (actually, he's said it enough times that Nagito had to ask him to stop saying it), but... what about the rest?
...No, unlike I care about you, the rest isn't something he can just come out and say.]
[Beneath the moonlight, as Hinata keeps his gaze forward, it would be impossible not to notice the subtle melancholy of his expression as those words leave his lips. For a moment, the urge to chuckle at them washes over Komaeda—yet with his lithe fingers still curled into the sheer curtain, all he wants to really do is pull that cloth around them and shield Hinata from such feelings. Self-love isn't something Komaeda knows, perhaps a confidence in some of his good sides (as few as they are), but that's it.
He's quiet, quiet enough that he can almost hear the disquiet that buzzes through Hinata's mind as he once more rejects his thanks. Stubborn Hinata, he muses to himself as his own brow furrows, if only he would let Komaeda appreciate him.]
You know, before you woke me up from my coma... I was dreaming about a world where I didn't have my ultimate luck. [Komaeda's tone drops, low enough that the crashing tide just beyond that window might even drown it out, but he keeps his attention focused on the way moonlight catches Hinata's features.] In that dream, I had friends... true friends... and my parents were alive. I was happy, so happy in fact that I wished the entire world was as talentless as I was.
[He steps forward, and with his stride he tugs that curtain again until it shields Hinata's view of the ocean. Look at me, only me. The gaze Komaeda settles on him is a melancholy of his own, but beneath it, his smile is bright.]
But I'm glad I have my ultimate luck. It's given to me just as much as it's taken... because if it weren't for my ultimate luck, I'm not sure our paths would have ever crossed.
[Komaeda's head tilts, angling so that he can hold Hinata's gaze with his own. Beneath long lashes, his eyes fall half-lidded.]
I'm glad you're you, Hajime... no, I'm relieved you're you. Not Kamukura, or anyone else but the you from the simulation. The one I became friends with. So... if you're ever unhappy, tell me. You listened to my troubles, so I only want to do the same for you... okay?
[Hajime's gaze is a distant one. Even though Nagito's stepped forward (to draw the curtain across the sky and the sea, leaving Hajime nowhere to look but at him), Hajime feels far away from him, no, from everything, in a weightless way, like he isn't even here. This entire scene, he could be watching it from the far back row of an old cinema.
That's some dream Nagito had... What would it be like, having a dream like that, a dream where you were granted a wish you didn't even know you had? Hajime's never had that kind of dream - his have been either too absurd to mean anything, or based on past events, memories rewound in his mind.
A world where Nagito wasn't lucky, huh... What would that be like? When Nagito's luck works in strange, unpredictable ways, it's hard to say if his luck had anything to do with their paths crossing. Kamukura might have detected the regularities in that irregular luck, after some thought, and Hajime could do the same now, if he pauses to think about it, but he leaves it. He's more focused on what Nagito said, about being glad... A small smile appears on Hajime's face.]
That I got to meet you on the island, and spend time with you, and get to know you better... I don't know whether it's luck or not, but I'm still glad for it.
[A world where Nagito isn't lucky, Hajime can't imagine what that world would look like. But it sounds like that world made Nagito really happy for a while... maybe, in this world, Hajime's not the only one who feels alone. The reason for it might be different, but even so, isn't it still the same feeling?]
Yeah. I'm glad you're you as well, Nagito.
[And if he feels relief, it's not relief that Nagito's Nagito (though there's no doubt he's glad about that). It's more like, if Hajime can believe what Nagito's saying - and this time, he really wants to - then Nagito still thinks of him as the same person, the same Hajime Hinata, that he met in the simulation. He's not Kamukura. He's not a stranger. He might be someone Nagito can trust. He... He definitely wants to be that.
It'd be difficult, and awkward, and even embarrassing, to admit his unhappiness to Nagito. There's so much of it now that he's carrying the burden of Kamukura with him. But... he wants to trust Nagito, doesn't he? To have Nagito's trust, as well, to understand him a little better, to be comfortable around him, with him...
Cautiously, Hajime draws in a breath. His gaze slips for just a moment, out of nervousness.]
But, is it just my troubles you'd be happy to listen to? No, I guess what I'm really trying to ask is... whether that's all you want me to share with you.
[If that's all, then he won't say it. But if Nagito's open to hearing more, then... this might be the best time to share it. The future he wants, the world he wants, it won't just happen. It's something he has to create.]
[Komaeda knows that it's merely phrasing, that given the context of their conversation, he would be silly to hope for anything more. Yet, it's in this moment where he remembers his confession in the simulation so vividly—and how he had chickened out at the last second to frame his words of love in a way where Hinata might not be able to know his true intentions.
He was coaxed then by the same feeling now: his stomach, flipping and twisting into nervous knots as he watches the lines of the other's face and how he turns his gaze away with his own nerves. It would be too forward to touch Hinata—no, his heart probably wouldn't be able to handle it—even if he really wants to just take that large hand in his own, and give it a reassuring squeeze.]
Would it be too greedy to say that I want to know every thing? [Komaeda's voice is soft once more, and he turns so that they're shoulder to shoulder. His good hand finds a fold on the sheer curtain, and it flutters the length of it between his fingers as he fidgets.] The good things, the bad things... your favorite things to eat, and your favorite things to see... what you hate, what you love... I want to know them all.
[Thank god, he thinks, for the curtain shielding their faces from the moonlight once more. He can feel the way his cheeks burn red, all the way to the cusps of his ears.]
I want you to know about me, too, Hajime. Even if my life is mostly sad stories... is it okay if I share them all with you? Would you even believe me... if I did?
[Then, is now the time to tell him? ...Hajime's throat tightens at the thought. What he wants to say, what he's wanted to say for a while, what he thinks he should tell Nagito now, while they have this time together... it's not going to be easy to say.
If he was still Kamukura... no. Kamukura wouldn't even have the feelings that Hajime has now, would he. Hajime shouldn't think in terms of what Kamukura would do. He isn't Izuru Kamukura anymore. He's... his own self. Hajime Hinata. He has aspirations, he dreams, he has dreams, and feelings, as well, feelings of regret, remorse, and- and love, and he's nervous, and he's more human than Kamukura, right?
Hajime's words are slow to come, and at first they're not exactly the words he wants to say. But they're audible enough, and gradually the silence dividing him from Nagito fades away.]
I... Well, there's a lot. I wouldn't really know where to begin.
[When Nagito says he wants to know every thing, does he really mean that? Or is it one of those things that people say, just a generalization that doesn't mean anything? The curtain shimmers between Nagito's fingers, and the want to reach out and intertwine their hands is aching inside Hajime's chest.
The good things, the bad things, his... favorite things to eat? And-- and see? What he hates, and what he loves? Hajime's breath catches in his throat at the sound of that word. It's low and soft in Nagito's voice, the way it had been when Nagito first said it, back in the simulation. Hajime's reaction now is hardly any different than it was then - his heart is thudding so loudly, it's hurting his ears.]
But... you know, there is something I want to tell you, something that is important to me, and if you're happy to listen, then I probably shouldn't put it off any longer. So, um.
[God, it's like Hajime's ribcage is tightening. No, like every part of him is tightening, or being pulled taut, he's so nervous, dammit.]
...S-Sorry, this is kind of hard to say. [He takes in a breath, as if to encourage himself, then lets it out forcefully, squeezing his fists.] Nagito, I...
I want to know more about you, too. Anything you want to share with me, I'll listen to it, gladly. Even if it takes me some time to believe it all, and even if it's nearly impossible to believe, I still want to try. I want to understand you better, Nagito.
[Hajime's stare has been averted all this time. He's been talking at the curtain. But now he pauses, tries to turn and face Nagito, to meet his gaze, if Nagito's even gazing. If Hajime's really going to say the next part, he wants to look Nagito in the eye when he says it. What he's about to say, he'll only be able to say once. He doesn't want to screw this up - he wants to do it right.]
When I said I cared about you, I meant it. [Is that clear enough? Will Nagito know what he means by that? What if he doesn't? No, Hajime should just come out and say it. 'What he loves', huh?]
Actually, Nagito, I...
[He can say it, right? Nagito's used this word before, so it shouldn't be weird if Hajime uses it now. There really isn't any other way to say it. He swallows, his gaze still connected to Nagito's. He can say it.]
[Seeing Hinata nervous isn't a rare sight in the slightest, in fact, it almost feels more normal than when he's confident... or assertive. It reminds Komaeda that this truly is the Hinata he's come to know and care for; but with the way he fumbles his words, and how his tongue seems to weighted in his mouth, slowly Komaeda starts to feel nervous too. What sort of admission has this brevity? What could be so important that it can't wait until when he isn't as fatigued?
His heart thunders in his breast—so hard it feels like it might burst through his ribs. For a moment, he almost feels sick. Like vertigo is running him over and the blood that's rushing through his veins will burn him from the inside out. Still, regardless of the thoughts that race through his mind, Komaeda retains his gentle smile. Whether it's good or bad, he'll accept it.
Then those words reach his ears, trembling with nerves, and it's like time has stopped. His heart's no longer racing, rather, it's dropped down into the pit of his stomach, where it's doing backflips. He hasn't realized the way his fingers have curled into the curtain, gripping it so tightly that the rod above creaks beneath the sudden strain.]
If this is a joke... it's a cruel one.
[The words escape his lips before he even has a chance to think about them, because he's too distracted with keeping himself from crying. His face feels hot. His eyes sting. He pulls the curtain between them, hiding himself from Hinata.]
You have to tell me if this is a joke, Hajime, otherwise... I'll—
[He'll what? His own voice is trembling. He doesn't want to believe, or more like, he can't believe it. How could Hinata love him? After everything he's done? Even before, when he found out Hinata was just some talentless reserve course student with a manufactured talent... he was so angry with himself for caring for him the way he did. And now... can he really hope for those returned feelings?]
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[Komaeda's attention drops away, to the glass of milk that's sat untouched for the entirety of their conversation. Condensation beads against its surface, and for a moment, he watches the path that one of those dewdrops makes as it slides down towards the table.
He smiles, and for a moment it looks as if he's simply smiling for that little dewdrop before he grabs the glass and brings it to his lips. He takes a few, indulgent gulps of it before settling the base back down.]
You know, Hajime... my love for hope... it's a very selfless love. I don't want anything in return for it, I only want to serve that love and ensure a bright future. So anyone who strives for that hope is someone I love.
[His tongue darts across his lips, licking up the milk that remains on them before his gaze meets Hinata's once more. His eyes, even in the dim lighting of the room, are clear and vibrant.]
But once I knew that we were all Ultimate Despairs, I had a duty to hope to do what was right: to ensure that bright future. Perhaps that's why I failed though... my view is too narrow, I'm not the sort of guy that is able to see what isn't right in front of me.
[His smile spreads a little wider, a little more fond. What good would it do, he wonders, to tell Hinata that his love this time is a little more selfish...?]
But I'm glad that my death wasn't for nothing... it was yet another stepping stone for your hope. How could I not be happy about it?
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[...Is it possible Nagito didn't know?]
Anyway...
[He's looking for eye contact, but Nagito's casting a relaxed gaze at his glass of milk. A moment later, he's raising it to his smile, and the volume tilts and lowers as he takes heavy gulps down. There... shouldn't be anything weird about watching him drink, but even so, it embarrasses Hajime enough that he has to look away.
As soon as Hajime hears the setting down of glass on the tabletop, though, he glances back. Nagito's words glint in the darkness that Hajime's eyes have already adjusted to, and it's everything Hajime has heard him say before, until he gets to the last part.
...No, it's just Nagito being Nagito. When he says something like that, he's doesn't mean it in the way Hajime would hope he does.
It's dark enough that Hajime can just see the wet flick of Nagito's tongue along his lips... which is good, because if it were any brighter, Nagito would probably be able to see the color that's spilling across Hajime's face.
Nagito can't see what isn't right in front of him, huh...
Hajime's about to smile at the thought, but what Nagito goes on to say keeps the smile down, and instead brings out a sigh of exhaustion.]
I don't want to think about it like that, Nagito. [Hajime doesn't even want to talk about it anymore.] Even if you're happy now... even if I've gotten over it... you know, it still hurt a lot when you died.
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Surely... surely it's moments like these where he knows Hinata isn't lying. When he woke from his coma, the memories came flooding back in—and there's no way he would forget the cold, listless stare of Kamukura. So to see those darting eyes, those lips that teeter between a smile and frown... all of it just makes him feel that much more comfortable.]
Perhaps it's impudent of me to get so excited over you feeling such strong emotions for me, Hajime. Even if it's just anger, or sadness...
[His head tilts with a carefree smile.]
No one has ever cared so much about me before... isn't it selfish that I would tease you just to experience your feelings?
[Komaeda reaches for the piece of toast that had bounced from his plate, sets it back on it, then sweeps his hand across the table to scoop up the crumbs into his palm.]
I would promise you I won't be dying again any time soon, but that's not a promise I can keep.
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Hajime doesn't just feel hurt, he looks it, too. The corners of his lips are turned down and his eyes feel huge on his face.]
You're just teasing me...?
[The hurt worsens as Nagito goes on. Hajime tries to swallow most of it down, but it remains. His chest is sore. Why does Nagito have to talk about death so casually?
...No, Hajime knows why. Even now, after Nagito's been brought back to life in a way, death is still something he has to think about. He'll always have to think about it, as long as he's alive.]
I-- Y-You don't even need to promise something like that. Don't say things like that, Nagito. I don't want to think about you dying again.
[...but what Hajime wants to think about doesn't matter, does it. Nagito has to think about this all the time, whether he wants to or not. He doesn't get a choice.
They have good doctors here, and Hajime wants to promise Nagito that they might be able to do something to help his condition, but... that's not a promise he can keep, either.
He... he sighs. His emotional intelligence isn't strong enough that he can guess at the right thing to say, and he doesn't just want to say something for the sake of talking... His eyes dart around the room, and the ache in his chest intensifies as the silence settles in.]
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Yeah, everything would be a lot easier if Hinata had just let him stay in a coma.]
Everyone dies, Hajime... sooner or later. In fact, it's a miracle I've even lived this far. Not just because of my disease, but also because of the state of this despair-infested world.
[The crumbs he swept into his palm are deposited back onto the plate, with its half-eaten toast that's probably soft with cold by now. His gaze hasn't left Hinata's face though—and as he continues in that easy, carefree tone, his eyes fall half-lidded.]
I know you don't want to hear it, but that's the reality of my situation. That you would grieve if I died in the real world, though... you really are a great guy. Yeah, there's no what you're Kamukura if your eyes look so full of sadness right now.
[It's enough to simply be the recipient of such feelings. Even if his own heart hurts, even if his own head feels numb over the thought of such a fate...]
But I'm sorry for upsetting you, Hajime. I'll stop talking about it now, okay?
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[Even if everyone dies eventually, that doesn't mean death is easy to think about. Even after everything that's happened... no, especially after everything that's happened, it's not like Hajime can think about death that easily.
He could tell Nagito that the world isn't as filled with despair as it used to be, that things have gotten better in the past few months. That the state of the world is gradually improving. But that's beside the point, isn't it. He lets the thoughts pass with a silent sigh.]
Sorry. I could be a little more understanding.
[Hajime watches as the crumbs are dusted back on to the plate, and then he glances up at Nagito. Nagito looks so... carefree. Maybe even relaxed? He's not agitated at all, and he doesn't look dejected or anything. A little thoughtful, but in the way you would be if you were talking about something as ordinary as the weather.
Well, not that death isn't an ordinary topic. But...
Hajime's reminded of their first few days on the island, when Nagito was going along with everything so comfortably, not even half as anxious and worried as Hajime was. At the time, Nagito's easy attitude had surprised Hajime, even frustrated him a little, and not sure how else to explain it, Hajime wondered if it might be because Nagito had already experienced a lot of trauma. Later he'd learn that yeah, Nagito had... and to just say it was 'a lot' of trauma was really, seriously, an understatement...
He's being insensitive. He frowns at the table, pissed off with himself.]
No, this isn't even about me, so I shouldn't be going on like it is.
I mean, this is something that affects someone I care about, so it's not like I can just ignore it. In fact, it'd be selfish of me to want to ignore it.
[A moment later, he undoes the furrow in his brow, and as the rest of his expression settles, he returns to Nagito.]
You don't have to apologize. And you don't have to drop the topic if you don't want to. I don't want to shut you down. If you want to talk about it, the least I can do is listen.
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Komaeda knew, on some level, that was the case. How could he not, when Hinata would always seek him out in the simulation, the second they had some free time? It always made him happy, and he... even revealed his biggest secrets to him. So really, he shouldn't feel so weird about hearing the words...
And yet, he can feel the heat that burns in his cheeks. The first time, it was easy to tease... but now? Komaeda can't just brush off those words, even if Hinata only means them in camaraderie.]
Hajime... [His voice is quiet, small,] I know I teased you about it before but... you don't have to keep mentioning how much you care about me.
[Oh no, what's this? His heart is hammering in his chest—and even in the veiled darkness of the mess hall, Komaeda lifts his hand to his face with the urge to hide his embarrassment.]
I-I said I was going to stop talking about it, so... let's talk about something else, okay?
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But worry turns to surprise just a moment later, and Hajime's pulling one hand in, taken aback. What he's hearing in Nagito's voice, is that... embarrassment?
But Hajime's not sure why Nagito would be embarrassed. Is it more like disbelief, then? Hajime blinks.]
Well, I, I... [There's a few beats of courage in his chest, and bringing a closed hand to his mouth, he clears his throat. Then he settles, and faces Nagito directly.] ...You say that like you don't believe me. But you don't have to be so dismissive. I-I'm not lying or anything.
[Why is Nagito covering his face like that? Maybe he is embarrassed... Now Hajime's faltering. This is going to get pretty embarrassing for both of them at this rate, so maybe they should talk about something else...]
S-Sure.
[Hajime glances around the mess hall, like there's a topic of discussion to be noticed somewhere, even though he knows there definitely isn't. And even if there was, he wouldn't see it in the darkness. All he really can see is what's in front of him. Nagito, the plate of toast, the tabletop gleaming with moonlight...]
You wouldn't believe how clear the sky is here. [As conversational topics go, it's pretty uninspired, but when Nagito's just woken up from a months-long coma, what else is there to comfortably talk about, other than the weather?]
I mean, especially at night.
[He glances at the windows on the far wall, all of them curtained. If he was to open one of them now, would the light be too much for Nagito's eyes?]
It's like you can see all the stars the sky has to offer. It's really nothing like the sky we used to know.
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Of course I believe you... so you don't have to keep repeating it.
[How could he not believe it? Hinata spent months by his side, caring for him, waiting for him. It would be impossible to just claim all of that were just a lie, because... even with Kamukura inside of him... Hinata isn't a liar.
Komaeda presses his fingers against the bridge of his nose, taking a couple slow, deep breaths through the nose—anything to just calm him a little bit—before meeting Hinata's gaze again.]
In the simulation... you would stare up at the sky a lot, I noticed. [He smiles some at the thought and leaves out the part where he would sometimes notice Hinata, sitting by the pool alone, watching the sky.
He doesn't miss the way Hinata glances at the curtains either, and within the steady silence of the room, the sound of his chair dragging against the floor is deafening when he stands. Still, Komaeda pays it no mind and walks his way (slow and steady) towards the windows. One-handedly, he slides those curtains open and stares up at the night sky.]
Hm... some things never change, do they? [He glances over his shoulder at Hinata,] they're different, but these are the stars you've been gazing at for months aren't they?
It feels like I'm a bit closer to you, just seeing this sky for the first time.
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[Had Nagito been paying that much attention to him? Or is Hajime wishfully overthinking this? In any case, he's beginning to feel a small, hopeful smile appear on his face.
It breaks into surprise a moment later, though. Nagito's chair scrapes noisily across the floor and he's getting to his feet -- wait, does he even have the energy to do that on his own? Won't he hurt himself? He-- he's not going to walk to the windows, is he? His outline wobbles a little in the darkness.]
H-Hey, Nagito, what are you--!
[Hajime pushes his own chair back and stands, going after him. Halfway across the stretch of floor between them, Hajime is hit with cool star- and moon-light, and reflexively he raises a hand above his forehead, relieving his eyes from the sudden flood of brightness.]
Y-Yeah. [It's more a sigh than a word. He crosses the rest of the way and stands where the curtains have been gathered.]
I... When I look up at the stars, I feel like...
I-It's a little embarrassing, but somehow, when I look up at the stars, I feel like I'm a part of something more than I am, if that makes sense? Like I'm a part of something bigger.
[His pause is more thoughtful, this time. More hesitant. But, he trusts Nagito, right? ...No, it's more like, he wants to trust Nagito.]
Or maybe it's like, having the stars above me, I don't feel that alone.
Whatever it is, it's kind of comforting.
[He looks back up at the sky, as if the deep blue light will cool down his face, which really needs it, right now. He blinks up at the sky, and remains that way for a moment.
Then Nagito continues, and there's a little pull in Hajime's chest. As taken aback as he is by Nagito's words, he... he thinks he knows what Nagito means by them.]
Yeah. [He turns his head to Nagito, who he can really see, now that the moonlight's pouring in.] I feel the same way. Closer to you, I mean.
[That small, hopeful smile from before returns, but it's sore in a way that Hajime can't describe, and for a reason he's not so sure he knows.]
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But he can't help the little laugh that leaves him, even if it isn't in mocking, at the sound of Hinata's worry.]
A guy like you who shines so brightly... how can you feel alone?
[Finally, he turns to look at Hinata, and for a moment he's mesmerized by the way moonlight washes over his features. In the light, it's much easier to catch sight of those mismatched eyes, and something tugs within his chest. It's a reminder that this Hinata is both different, and the same, than the one he came to care for within the simulation.]
But... you fulfilled the wish of a guy like me, didn't you? You never left me alone... hah...
[He reaches his hand upwards, rubbing the heel of his palm against his eye. It stings a bit, and he can feel heat rising to his cheeks again but... he manages to reel it back.]
I guess I should be thanking you, Hajime... for staying by my side.
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Yeah. If he ever believed that about himself, he wouldn't have signed that contract, would he. He wouldn't have let every part of himself get unpicked and taken apart and completely redone. He wouldn't have become Izuru Kamukura, and maybe what happened to Hope's Peak Academy wouldn't have happened... but there's no point in dwelling on things that have already happened and can't be undone.
Feeling alone, though... Can he tell Nagito what he means by that? If Nagito could have shared with Hajime things about himself that were really personal, then can't Hajime do the same now? Can't he at least try to? He... Yeah, he wants to. He takes in a breath.]
The thing is... [He glances aside a moment, testing his words in his head before saying them out loud.] Isn't it difficult to want to share yourself with others, or even with just one other person, when you aren't... exactly happy with who you are?
[His shoulders stiffen, and eye contact might be a bad idea right now. He leads his stare out the window, but more in the direction of the sea than the stars above it.
A moment passes, cool and still. Then, across from him, Nagito's voice wavers, and Hajime glances back at him in time to see him cover half his face with his hand. Nagito pulls it away almost instantly, and though Hajime can't see any wet streaks on Nagito's face, he does see a little redness under the eyes.]
Nagito, you... you don't have to thank me. I wasn't just going to leave you.
[He's already said part of the reason why (actually, he's said it enough times that Nagito had to ask him to stop saying it), but... what about the rest?
...No, unlike I care about you, the rest isn't something he can just come out and say.]
I mean it. I wouldn't do something like that.
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He's quiet, quiet enough that he can almost hear the disquiet that buzzes through Hinata's mind as he once more rejects his thanks. Stubborn Hinata, he muses to himself as his own brow furrows, if only he would let Komaeda appreciate him.]
You know, before you woke me up from my coma... I was dreaming about a world where I didn't have my ultimate luck. [Komaeda's tone drops, low enough that the crashing tide just beyond that window might even drown it out, but he keeps his attention focused on the way moonlight catches Hinata's features.] In that dream, I had friends... true friends... and my parents were alive. I was happy, so happy in fact that I wished the entire world was as talentless as I was.
[He steps forward, and with his stride he tugs that curtain again until it shields Hinata's view of the ocean. Look at me, only me. The gaze Komaeda settles on him is a melancholy of his own, but beneath it, his smile is bright.]
But I'm glad I have my ultimate luck. It's given to me just as much as it's taken... because if it weren't for my ultimate luck, I'm not sure our paths would have ever crossed.
[Komaeda's head tilts, angling so that he can hold Hinata's gaze with his own. Beneath long lashes, his eyes fall half-lidded.]
I'm glad you're you, Hajime... no, I'm relieved you're you. Not Kamukura, or anyone else but the you from the simulation. The one I became friends with. So... if you're ever unhappy, tell me. You listened to my troubles, so I only want to do the same for you... okay?
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That's some dream Nagito had... What would it be like, having a dream like that, a dream where you were granted a wish you didn't even know you had? Hajime's never had that kind of dream - his have been either too absurd to mean anything, or based on past events, memories rewound in his mind.
A world where Nagito wasn't lucky, huh... What would that be like? When Nagito's luck works in strange, unpredictable ways, it's hard to say if his luck had anything to do with their paths crossing. Kamukura might have detected the regularities in that irregular luck, after some thought, and Hajime could do the same now, if he pauses to think about it, but he leaves it. He's more focused on what Nagito said, about being glad... A small smile appears on Hajime's face.]
That I got to meet you on the island, and spend time with you, and get to know you better... I don't know whether it's luck or not, but I'm still glad for it.
[A world where Nagito isn't lucky, Hajime can't imagine what that world would look like. But it sounds like that world made Nagito really happy for a while... maybe, in this world, Hajime's not the only one who feels alone. The reason for it might be different, but even so, isn't it still the same feeling?]
Yeah. I'm glad you're you as well, Nagito.
[And if he feels relief, it's not relief that Nagito's Nagito (though there's no doubt he's glad about that). It's more like, if Hajime can believe what Nagito's saying - and this time, he really wants to - then Nagito still thinks of him as the same person, the same Hajime Hinata, that he met in the simulation. He's not Kamukura. He's not a stranger. He might be someone Nagito can trust. He... He definitely wants to be that.
It'd be difficult, and awkward, and even embarrassing, to admit his unhappiness to Nagito. There's so much of it now that he's carrying the burden of Kamukura with him. But... he wants to trust Nagito, doesn't he? To have Nagito's trust, as well, to understand him a little better, to be comfortable around him, with him...
Cautiously, Hajime draws in a breath. His gaze slips for just a moment, out of nervousness.]
But, is it just my troubles you'd be happy to listen to? No, I guess what I'm really trying to ask is... whether that's all you want me to share with you.
[If that's all, then he won't say it. But if Nagito's open to hearing more, then... this might be the best time to share it. The future he wants, the world he wants, it won't just happen. It's something he has to create.]
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He was coaxed then by the same feeling now: his stomach, flipping and twisting into nervous knots as he watches the lines of the other's face and how he turns his gaze away with his own nerves. It would be too forward to touch Hinata—no, his heart probably wouldn't be able to handle it—even if he really wants to just take that large hand in his own, and give it a reassuring squeeze.]
Would it be too greedy to say that I want to know every thing? [Komaeda's voice is soft once more, and he turns so that they're shoulder to shoulder. His good hand finds a fold on the sheer curtain, and it flutters the length of it between his fingers as he fidgets.] The good things, the bad things... your favorite things to eat, and your favorite things to see... what you hate, what you love... I want to know them all.
[Thank god, he thinks, for the curtain shielding their faces from the moonlight once more. He can feel the way his cheeks burn red, all the way to the cusps of his ears.]
I want you to know about me, too, Hajime. Even if my life is mostly sad stories... is it okay if I share them all with you? Would you even believe me... if I did?
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If he was still Kamukura... no. Kamukura wouldn't even have the feelings that Hajime has now, would he. Hajime shouldn't think in terms of what Kamukura would do. He isn't Izuru Kamukura anymore. He's... his own self. Hajime Hinata. He has aspirations, he dreams, he has dreams, and feelings, as well, feelings of regret, remorse, and- and love, and he's nervous, and he's more human than Kamukura, right?
Hajime's words are slow to come, and at first they're not exactly the words he wants to say. But they're audible enough, and gradually the silence dividing him from Nagito fades away.]
I... Well, there's a lot. I wouldn't really know where to begin.
[When Nagito says he wants to know every thing, does he really mean that? Or is it one of those things that people say, just a generalization that doesn't mean anything? The curtain shimmers between Nagito's fingers, and the want to reach out and intertwine their hands is aching inside Hajime's chest.
The good things, the bad things, his... favorite things to eat? And-- and see? What he hates, and what he loves? Hajime's breath catches in his throat at the sound of that word. It's low and soft in Nagito's voice, the way it had been when Nagito first said it, back in the simulation. Hajime's reaction now is hardly any different than it was then - his heart is thudding so loudly, it's hurting his ears.]
But... you know, there is something I want to tell you, something that is important to me, and if you're happy to listen, then I probably shouldn't put it off any longer. So, um.
[God, it's like Hajime's ribcage is tightening. No, like every part of him is tightening, or being pulled taut, he's so nervous, dammit.]
...S-Sorry, this is kind of hard to say. [He takes in a breath, as if to encourage himself, then lets it out forcefully, squeezing his fists.] Nagito, I...
I want to know more about you, too. Anything you want to share with me, I'll listen to it, gladly. Even if it takes me some time to believe it all, and even if it's nearly impossible to believe, I still want to try. I want to understand you better, Nagito.
[Hajime's stare has been averted all this time. He's been talking at the curtain. But now he pauses, tries to turn and face Nagito, to meet his gaze, if Nagito's even gazing. If Hajime's really going to say the next part, he wants to look Nagito in the eye when he says it. What he's about to say, he'll only be able to say once. He doesn't want to screw this up - he wants to do it right.]
When I said I cared about you, I meant it. [Is that clear enough? Will Nagito know what he means by that? What if he doesn't? No, Hajime should just come out and say it. 'What he loves', huh?]
Actually, Nagito, I...
[He can say it, right? Nagito's used this word before, so it shouldn't be weird if Hajime uses it now. There really isn't any other way to say it. He swallows, his gaze still connected to Nagito's. He can say it.]
I think I might be in love with you.
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His heart thunders in his breast—so hard it feels like it might burst through his ribs. For a moment, he almost feels sick. Like vertigo is running him over and the blood that's rushing through his veins will burn him from the inside out. Still, regardless of the thoughts that race through his mind, Komaeda retains his gentle smile. Whether it's good or bad, he'll accept it.
Then those words reach his ears, trembling with nerves, and it's like time has stopped. His heart's no longer racing, rather, it's dropped down into the pit of his stomach, where it's doing backflips. He hasn't realized the way his fingers have curled into the curtain, gripping it so tightly that the rod above creaks beneath the sudden strain.]
If this is a joke... it's a cruel one.
[The words escape his lips before he even has a chance to think about them, because he's too distracted with keeping himself from crying. His face feels hot. His eyes sting. He pulls the curtain between them, hiding himself from Hinata.]
You have to tell me if this is a joke, Hajime, otherwise... I'll—
[He'll what? His own voice is trembling. He doesn't want to believe, or more like, he can't believe it. How could Hinata love him? After everything he's done? Even before, when he found out Hinata was just some talentless reserve course student with a manufactured talent... he was so angry with himself for caring for him the way he did. And now... can he really hope for those returned feelings?]
I won't forgive you if you're lying to me.