luckless | [RYSLIG] IC Inbox

[Komaeda turns at the sound of Atem hollering from the top of the hill—there's still color in his cheeks, but even with the flip-flop of excitement in his belly, it's clear that it's mostly from running, now. He smiles, feeling still-nervous but getting there, in terms of being... somewhat confident. But will he really have to keep running...?

He starts his climb back up the hill, taking it slow and steady on those stilts for legs, and panting all the way. Once at the top beside Atem again, he needs a moment where he's bent forward, hands on his knees, to catch his breath.]

Geeze... I never knew this would be such a work out...

[Is it too early to say he misses being a fish? At least as a merperson in the water, the vessel you move through suspends your weight. Never mind that he never would've thought of himself as out of shape, but... Maybe he really should swim more often, to build up his stamina too.]

Alright, [Komaeda takes a breath after resting and pulls himself back up,] let's go again...!

[And again, he runs down the hill with his wings spread wide, letting his body lean forward into the wind, letting his momentum carry him into an angle that catches, half-way down the hill this time, and lets him glide through the air much higher than before...

...Which is where a sense of accomplishment is quickly replaced, as memories of hurdling through the air root fear in the pit of his stomach. Where he'd managed to flap his wings before, now he begins to flap his arms instead—he'll need to right himself if he doesn't want to crash into the ground.]

[It's a good thing Komaeda recovers quickly -- bent over like that, Atem wanted to run a hand through his hair, cup his cheek, look at his exhausted face.

But he's a little too slow to do it, and off Komaeda goes again. (It's just as well.)

He's not slow, however, to spot that Komaeda is struggling and in trouble, and with a leap downhill of his own, Atem's airborne in an instant.]

Nagito!!

[The difference in their relative sizes is a good thing -- it means it's not impossible for Atem to get above and behind Komaeda's falling form, get hands aroind his waist with claws that prick through clothing, and with a great wing-beat, slow Komaeda's fall and bring him back midair to a position he can fly in.]

Spread your wings out! [he shouts over the rush of wind.] The air will catch you!

[Atem's bat-wings beat again, making sure they still have enough forward movement to support flight. Touching Komaeda is uncomfortable, and not really in the fun way -- they're opposing monster types, and the holy magic Komaeda is made of, the magic that collapses in on itself in darkness, has his palms tingling. But Atem doesn't let go, and won't let this end in an uncontrolled fall.

If Komaeda doesn't get his wings right, they'll tumble harmlessly in a heap into a patch of grass, no harm done.]

[It happens far faster than he can conceive of. It feels like the world is falling away from him, rather than the opposite, and the sheer backwardness of it makes him feel like he's going to throw up. Komaeda refuses to close his eyes though, because he can't let those memories of staring listlessly out of a plane window as the sky spun around him resurface. He has to ground himself in this moment, even if this moment feels like it's choking him down and making his limbs feel heavily and less like his own.

But then something else happens—the prick of Atem's claws at his sides is just different enough, just painful enough, to pull him back from the precipice of his fear. Not only that, but the great beat of his wings has made it so that he's no longer dropping rapidly. For a split moment, it feels like he's floating—and that's just enough to push the fear back into a corner of his mind and do as he's told.

Komaeda spreads his wings, and sure enough, the wind catches beneath them.

He manages, just barely and with the assistance of Atem, to make a not-so-crash landing. The second his feet meet the grass, Komaeda stumbles forward a few steps before catching himself. It's, at the very least, better than completely crumpling to the ground—but when he turns to face Atem, it's clear how shaken he is. His eyes have gone wide with panic, and his mouth, straining to form a placating smile, is completely failing. He can hardly hear how hard he's panting, over the rush of his pulse in his ears.]

H-Haha... Sorry... [The apology leaves him without a thought, though whether he means for worrying Atem, or something else, it's hard to tell.] I think I bit off more than I can chew with that one... I didn't expect to go that high so soon.

[And that's why Atem brought them here, and not the roof, where the ground below is asphalt and concrete, and eight stories away.

He reaches for Komaeda's hand. Prickling or no, getting a grip on it matters more -- he's going to wrap his fingers around Komaeda's hand, pressing their palms together, hard. It's something else to focus on, something grounding -- and, more selfishly, Atem wants to hold Komaeda's hand right now. How could he not, with that look on Komaeda's face? He's trying to be brave, but...]

You did fine.

[A squeeze of their hands.]

Even though you were scared, you caught yourself, and you landed without getting hurt. That's what's important.

[He's not in any rush to push Komaeda into another attempt; his body language is relaxed, his hooves planted in the ground where he is. Komaeda can take his time; he's attempting something really hard for him.]

If you had gotten it right away, I would have been really surprised!

[Perhaps somewhere in the back of Komaeda's mind, he expected Atem to release him the moment they touched ground. But instead, that grounding touch simply shifts—it leaves his waist (perhaps a good thing, as that feels like sitting on a line that can't be crossed), and settles in his hand.

Komaeda is used to Atem feeling lukewarm at best, but now, the palm that slots with his own is noticeably warmer than normal body temperature, though not to the degree of being uncomfortable. The worst part of it, is that if feels like permission. When he looks down at Atem, it's with a realization that he isn't fully panicking yet—and though he doesn't feel as though he'll start crying, he wants more of this comfort.]

Hey, Atem-kun... Can I ask for another favor?

[Where their hands meet, he gives a slightly weaker squeeze back, as he meets Atem's gaze. His own expression, so easily read now without having such rigid facial structure, shows his thoughts plainly—he's struggling. Not just physically, but mentally.

He doesn't know if he can do this. Moving past the echoes of his memories is difficult, and he especially doesn't want to try this with Atem potentially risking his own safety if it's going to be like this.]

I... I don't want you to get hurt for my sake. It's one thing if I fall, but... if my flying gets you injured, then I...

[His mouth presses into a thin, worried line. He doesn't even want to think about it.]

[Hmm, that face...Komaeda's spooked. He's not going to be ready to try again for a little while -- not until he's calm.

Atem makes sure not to let go of the hand. Even as his free one goes to his collar, where the Fog cloak rests lightly in gray gauzy folds, and he flips the material carelessly woth his fingers, he keeps holding Komaeda's.]

You don't have to worry about me, Nagito. I'm very hard to hurt, these days!

...but, that said...

[Regarding the mention of a favor specifically:]

...you know all you have to do is ask.

[The mischief in that is slight; it's predominantly sincere, very slightly playful. The offer is meant: whatever Komaeda wants, he only needs to name it.]

[Displeasure wrinkles Komaeda's brow and pulls his mouth into a frown. Even if Atem is hard to hurt, saying something like that just makes it sound like he shouldn't feel bad or worried about it. To not worry would be impossible, but he doubts he could properly convey that to the other right now.

Rather, he's still focused on the way his nerves shake the grip that entwines their hands, and how he can't seem to get his pulse to calm down.]

I don't know if it'd be out of line to ask, but...

[He hesitates, only briefly, before erring on simply speaking his heart.]

...Would you hold me?

[The hand-holding is grounding enough, but it feels too slight. He doesn't want to push Atem's boundaries, but he's scared. He knows he's on the ground, but it still doesn't feel solid enough. Worst, yet, he still fears that if he closes his eyes, that falling sensation will return.

So, embarrassment will simply have to take a backseat to wanting to feel safe, for now. And wordlessly, he'll lower himself until he's kneeling before Atem.]

[That's it...?

Atem lets out a little heh!

He doesn't give a single damn what is and isn't out of line, and the only reason he didn't reach for Komaeda before was that Komaeda was literally mostly out of reach.

But Komaeda lowers down, and Atem, after only a moment of warmly wry eye contact -- silly, of course I will! and huh, it's cute that he's kneeling -- wraps arms around Komaeda's shoulders. The side of his face presses against the side of Komaeda's head -- luckily horns are at an angle that doesn't make this impossible, and soft membranes of blue batlike ear-wings brush against hair or skin or feathers -- and he murmurs:]

Remember the counting game? Try it. It's good for when you feel like your mind's trying to take you somewhere else!

[It's a little prickly, being in this much close contact with a holy monster, but it's not impossible to endure. He just hopes he's not hurting Komaeda back...but, if he is, the guy will either say so, or decide like Atem that it's worth it. It might not be so bad, since Atem doesn't have any powers active and isn't quite so ethereal as Komaeda, but either way, it's not an impossible obstacle, not by far.]

Edited 2023-03-03 13:22 (UTC)

[Caught within the midst of a flurry of thoughts, one stands out so starkly that it stuns him. Time and again, Komaeda is amazed by how Atem doesn't hesitate. Even if something like this wouldn't have happened were it not for the guy being a demon, he still does everything with such intention, and it's why Komaeda can feel the way his chest grows tighter, simply by being pulled into those arms.

The hold is warm, comforting, like he could easily melt into it. Most of all, it immediately feels safe, to be contained within Atem's arms.]

The counting game...

[Komaeda recalls, as he wraps his arms around Atem's middle and buries his face into space between his neck and shoulder. He can do that, he thinks. He pulls his head up from where it's settled, just enough to look around and count five things.]

I can see the grass... the trees, and the sky. There's a playground, and the city beyond it...

[And then it's four things he can hear, right...? Komaeda inhales a deep breath, closes his eyes, and continues.]

I can hear the leaves rustling, and the sound of cars honking in the distance... The birds chirping in the trees, and... my own heartbeat.

[Three things he feels. He hugs is a bit tighter, but not uncomfortably so, and buries his face into Atem's neck again.]

I can feel you, and... I can feel the wind on my skin, and air filling my lungs...

[Two smells. Another deep breath.]

...You smell like fire, or maybe it's more like... the smell of something burning. [He gives a short huff of a laugh.] And the wet-dewy-grass smell.

[One thing he can taste... Komaeda's mind goes somewhere it shouldn't, and immediately he feels his stomach twist with nervous excitement.

It's likely a sign that he's calm enough for now, so he just presses his face a bit more into Atem's shoulder, stays there for what feels like minutes, before speaking again.]

I think we can stop there... I feel... [—like his heart will leap out of his throat, but—] better. I think.

[He can tell Komaeda is backing away from taste, and has one or two guesses why. He gives a low, carefree laugh, but doesn't press the matter. Atem is terribly shameless in this form and doesn't mind laughing while Komaeda has his face buried in his shoulder.]

If you're sure! Heh heh.

[But he'll leave it there. It is something else how fast Atem can switch gears, from teasing to talking business in an instant. ]

Do you feel better enough for another run, or just well enough to make it home without stumbling?

[Even if Atem is being carefree about things now, that doesn't mean he won't be full of regret later, if Komaeda were to take advantage of that sort of thing. He also wouldn't be able to sit right with himself, if he did.

How would he be able to face Ryou, then? Only a scumbag would do something so underhanded.]

I'm sure...

[Slowly, Komaeda peels himself away from Atem's hold, feeling well enough to at least stand on his own, with just the touch of hands to arms to keep them connected.]

I think making it home without stumbling is where I'm at, but... [He meets that red-eyed gaze,] can we try again tomorrow...?

[He lets Komaeda pull away with a touch of regret, but no real resistance. There's still a touch to arms, and that's nice (mostly, it's still tingly, right on the edge of painful).

Once again, there's no hesitation in the reply.]

Of course we can! Actually...

[He pauses a moment, thinking.]

If we wait to try again tomorrow, then there's another approach we can take. Instead of being there to catch you if you start to fall...I could possess you as a shade, and show you how to fly from the inside.

[He'd offer to do it like this, but they wouldn't mesh well...if just touch is prickly pain, possession is much riskier.]

If you don't mind being possessed, that is.

[Komaeda seems to relax when Atem agrees, his expression settling into a comfortably soft smile once more. It's a great relief to know that the other is willing to accommodate him, even though he asked Atem to take time out of his day today to help.

But then he goes a step further, offering up possession, and the surprise that colors Komaeda's face is immediate and unrestricted.]

Possession... Are you sure?

[It's an intimate thing, certainly. Being able to share a mind, feelings, to read one another wordlessly. It feels far more intimate than anything else and yet... Komaeda can't help but want to take advantage of this, despite his prior feelings about Atem's demonic nature.]

I mean, I trust you Atem-kun... If it's you, I don't mind being possessed at all. I know you wouldn't do anything I don't like, but...

[But he's worried. It was one thing when Lila possessed him, because she already knew his ugliest sides. She knew everything about him.

Atem, though... Despite the strides they've made, they're still guarded with good reason.]

Are you sure you'll be okay, possessing me?

[Atem is perfectly relaxed about it. By now, he's been in and out of a lot of monsters' minds...it's an ability that comes naturally, and he's very used to learning a new body quickly while working alongside another mind.

So...if there's trouble Komaeda foresees, it's on his end. Atem's brows furrow a moment, and his head tilts.]

Is there something I should be worried about?

[Besides the obvious, of course -- the crush, the emotional extremes, the hells they've both been through, he knows about that. Is there something else he should be told about before he goes in?]

[Being able to walk through someone's mind is something deeper than just peeking around their room and into their things. It's the memories, that Komaeda's truly worried about. If he panics, what will he show to Atem... and what will Atem think about it? He's nervous, after all this time, to be rejected still. The last thing he wants is for Atem to think he's too broken, too messed up to care for.

The unease meets his expression now, as he tries to work the words out of his throat.]

Well... I'm worried you'll see something in my mind that will make you hate me...

[Komaeda isn't the same person he was when he was Ultimate Despair, but it's not like that version of him is gone, either.]

I'm not the person I used to be, but... It's not like those memories aren't still in my brain. If you see something disturbing, I don't want you to leave me over it...

I wouldn't.

[Plain, straightforward, simple -- but Atem won't leave it at that. He'll show his work.

A hand grips Komaeda's shirt and pulls downward, wordlessly telling Komaeda to crouch again, because Atem wants to have this conversation at eye level. Komaeda can refuse, of course, but if he does, Atem will unfurl his wings and float up to eye level with wing-beats, ones too slow to achieve the hover he's in with pure physics; there's magic at work here.

Either way, whether Komaeda goes down or Atem comes up, though, two clawed and scaly hands are going to take the sides of Komaeda's face, and he's going to hold Komaeda's gaze, keeping their faces close.]

You're not like you used to be...but, it's your friends who are helping you stay that way, right? So, even if I see something terrible, something worse than what I already know...I know that staying with you is the best way to keep the things you don't like in the past.

[He's not going to kiss Komaeda. That's too far, even for Atem's demon-self. But he is going to hold Komaeda on either side of his jaw, gazing into Komaeda's main set of eyes with his own red-on-black ones, his face too close and his touch too tender to be entirely chaste.]

Even if I saw the worst thing in the world, I wouldn't leave you...I would want to keep protecting you from it, and stop it from coming back.

[They absolutely will not kiss, but the way the words are said, with Atem's breath ghosting over Komaeda's face, is about as close as you can get.]

You can trust me with your memories.

[With the difference in their heights the way it is, the second Komaeda feels that grip in his sweater, he's kneeling down to come eye-level with Atem. He doesn't quite meet that intense gaze, even when those hands hold him tenderly by the jaw with a warmth that feels like it's permeating his very soul. Instead, his pale green eyes cast downwards, towards Atem's collar, or lower. He doesn't have the strength to.

It's not that he doesn't believe the words being said to him. Rather, he wants to desperately believe in them with a blind trust that could fill his vessel up to the brim. He wants to feel that safety of that certainty so badly and yet... All he can think about is how Atem was at the beginning of the previous month.

Would seeing the memories locked with Komaeda's head bring out that despair, again? To see not only himself, but the classmates that Atem has come to know, in situations no human being should ever have to live through? Heinous acts of violence, of self-mutilation, of reveling in torment... It's all the things that seemed to have worn Atem down within the last two years—and the last thing Komaeda wants is to worsen that.

The trepidation he feels is worn plainly on his face. Even if Atem is so close he can feel the ghosting of warm breath across his face. Close enough to feel that fiery bodyheat in a way that makes his heart race for reasons other than his own nerves. He knows that if he's to move forward, he needs to trust. And he does trust Atem, wholeheartedly, to protect him. What he doesn't trust is himself.]

I do trust you, Atem-kun... That's why I asked you to do this for me.

[He glances up at the other meekly, having to really pull himself to do it.]

I just don't... Want to hurt you, when you've already been through so much...

[An earlier Atem, a more brazen and foolish one, might have said something about choosing that for himself, being willing to shoulder anything, insisting on his own fearlessness and endless reserves of strength.

The Atem of today knows that's not true.

So, he has a different answer, that he gives with his fingertips feather-light on Komaeda's cheeks, his claw-tips just barely brushing skin.]

Then, if it gets bad, I'll look away.

If I see something that feels like too much for me to bear...I'll leave your heart for a little while, so I don't have to endure it all.

If it's something that's in the past, and there isn't an important reason I have to understand it...if looking won't change anything, and will only hurt me...then, it's okay to turn away, and not let it in.

[A scaly thumb shifts just a little, almost imperceptibly, in a small, reassuring touch.]

I'll also protect myself. I know that's important, too.

[That promise is different. It's believable. If they were the people they were a year ago, Komaeda wonders if this same situation would've still happened. Would he have had the wisdom to warn Atem, and would Atem have had the insight to know that some things can't be fixed?

What lives within the space of Komaeda's skull will never leave. It'll follow him until his death, and beyond. It's the burden he carries now, but one that he welcomes as he does his best every day to no longer be that person. Just as Atem is trying his best, now, to recognize when it might get bad for him. Even if they share a heart, Atem will turn away from the things Komaeda can't hide. In a way, it's the same as embracing his faults.

It's finally what relaxes him into that tender touch. He turns his face into Atem's palm, fights the urge to kiss is (because that still feels too close to what isn't allowed), and lets his rigid shoulders round down. They don't have to protect each other singlehandedly. They can do it as a team.]

Thank you, Atem-kun.

[Komaeda reaches up, touching his fingers softly to the underside of Atem's forearm. Not enough to be a grip—to be controlling, or to sting—but enough to say I'm here with you.]

Then... It'll be okay, I think.

[It's easier to work with somebody who will accept and assist your efforts to protect them, instead of fighting over who gets to throw themself into the jaws of danger. A mutual desire to protect the other at any cost...they'd be working against each other.

This way...they're working together. They're both important. They're both worth protecting, they should both get to feel happy and safe...

Atem watches Komaeda's head turn into his touch with a fondness that's tinged with greed. It's a little like a cat...and a little like holding the reins of a quiet, still horse. Komaeda is bigger than him, with magic Atem is weak to, just the touch prickles and stings, and very likely, he'd be Atem's match, if he has the speed-power -- but he's docile, trusting, with no sign of that tempestuous temper or wild impulse that means Komaeda's someone to worry about.

It's sweet, and it's dangerous, and he doesn't want this feeling to end.

He holds them there for a moment longer, taking it in. But then, Atem lets go and wraps his arms around Komaeda's shoulders one more time, giving a tight, affectionate squeeze.]

Mhm. It will!

[They're back to safety -- back to a hug between friends.]

I'll meet you in the hallway tomorrow. Okay?

[For as long as Atem allows him to, Komaeda will linger in that touch. Very much like a tamed beast, he wants to reside there, where it's proven to be a safe and accepting spot.

In the past it might've been different. They were on opposite sides of an unspoken line drawn in the sand. They had a conflict in ideals that clashed on the very fundamentals of it, and both of them had been willing to kill or die for them. Even if it meant that the enemy was the person who had taken root in their heart.

Komaeda had tried desperately, back then, to bring himself to hate Atem. It would've been easier to just not have the feelings he did, held in his heart. But those feelings drove deeper than either of them could have imagined, and the him of today is much more thankful for that.

So when Atem pulls away now, trades his tender touch for a reassuring embrace that lasts only seconds, Komaeda contents himself with it. This is so much better than not having the guy in his life at all, he thinks. And that feeling shows on his sheepish expression now, too.]

Yes, right. I'll see you tomorrow then, Atem-kun...

[He'll wait for the guy to take a step back before he brings himself to stand. Once they've said their goodbyes for now, he'll part with his stomach feeling like butterflies and his heart feeling like a cloud. Just for another day.]

[Atem takes off with a beat of his wings, almost perfectly vertical in the ascent -- there's definitely magic at work regarding demon flight. He heads back to 806, and...

...honestly, he has a snack and goes to sleep. He'd been up all night as a vampire, it's late for him -- and he's still weak to sunlight, thanks to how his priest-power works. Sleep sounds good.

Around the same time tomorrow, a shadow with glowing yellow-white eyes will pass smoothly through the door of 806 and into the hallway. It looks around -- is Komaeda here yet? Or will he have to stick his head through the door of 807 and tell whoever's there to get Nagito, please? He'd knock, but being solid's still tricky for him...

Maybe I should have waited until after I knocked to change... he thinks.

He will stick his head through the door if Komaeda doesn't come out.]

[The next day, with the promise of meeting up with Atem on his mind, Komaeda has gone into, well, a cleaning fugue. He doesn't sleep anymore, which means all of his restless energy has to go somewhere. After carefully bathing, he dresses himself in something functionally similar to the day before, but definitely takes a lot more time picking out jewelry from his collection that he hadn't been wearing before—a few gold chains and pearl necklaces, a pair of matching gold earrings, some rings... It's a bit excessive, maybe, especially since he doesn't have the excuse of being a merperson anymore.

And the realization that he might be doing too much is enough to send his anxious energy into what he considers, truly, his best skill: cleaning the apartment from top to bottom. It's likely why when Atem goes to meet up as they've promised, he'll find that Komaeda isn't already waiting for him for once. The guy who's chronically early for everything is no where to be seen!

It won't be until Atem pokes his head through the door that he'll spot Komaeda in the entryway, hunched over the floor with his wings fluffed up above him like a shroud, scrubbing at the grout between the tiles as if he life depended on it.

...Atem might have to speak up to get his attention.]

[That's a strange sight.

Komaeda, in his good jewelry, is...scrubbing the floor?

Did he knock something over at the last second, making him late?? That seems most likely, but the tile is sparkling...it's really not like this guy to be late!]

Hey, Nagito...

[--says the creepy shadowy head and neck sticking out of the door, looking down with glowing eyes arched in concern.]

Is everything okay?

[At first, Komaeda doesn't hear the familiar voice calling him from above. He just keeps scrubbing, and scrubbing, and scrubbing... The same spot repeatedly, in an almost entranced state.

No, it isn't until Atem asks if he's okay that the voice suddenly breaks through his hyperfocus, and he gasps his surprise. And then he tries to look up, while standing up, much too fast, and bonks his head (harmlessly) on the door in front of him.]

A-Atem-kun!

[Komaeda groans, with his hand abandoning his scrubber and coming up to nurse his forehead for a moment. From the floor, he meets the shade's gaze.]

Are you trying to peep on me...?

WELCOME TO YOUR PRIVATE CHANNEL, NAGITO KOMAEDA. FOR SECURE COMMUNICATION, USE 004.28.777.00 * MrBrightside has joined 004.28.777.00 <MrBrightside> Hello there! This is Komaeda. <MrBrightside>** I'm grateful that you want to talk to me.

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cw: terrorism, self harm mentions

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