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it's so wild that you see so much stuff but you don't notice me throwing myself at you for months. i don't mind but i don't totally get it

yeah i've been touching myself thinking of you since i don't know. spring sometime. no offense but i have to put that image in your head or i think you'd find a way to convince yourself i was talking about somebody else

idc about your dick fwiw i wouldn't care if you didn't have one. i just want you

[It's a bit much but, as far as Komaeda remembers, Lila's never lied to him. She's never had a reason to.

So, yeah. Now he's thinking about that. It's exciting in a new and interesting way, but it also surfaces more questions than answers, too.]

Well, to be fair to me, most people my age thought I was disgusting or hated me... I never really thought someone would touch themselves to the thought of me.

[But she has been. How does she do it? What sort of face does she make when her facial features are little more than gashes of white on a black canvas?]

I... want you too, Lila, but I should probably tell you that I'm a virgin... I know how to do it, but it's different when we add in the monster stuff, too... Should we start practicing?

["Should we start practicing," he says, like a normal person. She grins, only kind of grateful he can't see it, because she can't think of a word for this other than the forbidden cute.]

i don't think anything about you is disgusting. you were hot before and you're hot now. everybody else can be wrong if they want to.

do you WANT to start practicing? you sound kind of stressed out. that's not really what i'm going for. like . . . remember when we kissed the first time? i know that was different because we were high but it still feels like that when i kiss you. like i'm falling into you but it's safe. that's all i want. there's not, like, a standard. i don't know how to do this shit either. not, you know, like this.

Edited 2021-09-22 06:10 (UTC)

If I'm speaking honestly, I'm always stressed out... except when I'm with you. When you live your entire life, always experiencing the best highs and the worst lows, the neutral ground feels uneasy.

But... I can't say I'm uninterested. I want to know you, Lila... all of you.

[This is so unbelievably awkward, yes—but also, his heart is beating so fast with excitement, it might just burst.]

So, if you want to try... then I'll do my best to not disappoint you, but I can't make any promises.

[That . . . actually makes a lot of sense. She hadn't thought of it like that, but those moments that aren't extreme, that's like waiting for the other shoe to drop, isn't it? She reads over this message a few times, trying to wrap her mind about how she feels about it.]

i've had sex before but it wasn't a lot of fun. mostly because i didn't like the guy. [And there was facsimile-Cassel but that's something she is going to put under a bushel for the moment, there's no easy way to talk about that.] so i don't know really but i feel like — it's probably the same as anything else about being with somebody. awkward and weird sometimes but it's not a big deal. i don't care about that. i might with somebody else, but i don't feel like i have to be perfect with you. so you don't have to promise.

it's probably
i mean
i should probably be saying that to you, about not disappointing you, it's kind of weird. like i said i'm getting better at how well i stay solid and for how long but it might be a little harder if it's you touching me instead of just me. kind of a learning curve there.

[That Lila has had sex already doesn’t surprise him, not really. Even if it had been enjoyable, he wouldn’t even feel the needling sensation of jealousy between his shoulder blades. He wonders for a moment if that would bother Lila, too—-that he isn’t jealous.

But instead, he focuses on her last few sentences entirely too much; and it pulls a grin across his face that’s at once embarrassed and coy.]

Are you saying I make you lose control?

[Its a question he feels is important, even with how playful it is. Lila doesn’t lose control, and to have that power over her, well… it feels good.]

[That's the funny thing. She'd done it that one time to make somebody jealous. Normally this would be the kind of thing she'd expect a reaction from, but . . . it's Komaeda. If anything, she's concerned he'll just feel like shit about it. So this — maybe if it was someone else she'd be bothered, but the fact that he doesn't turn it in on himself right away, or at least doesn't appear to, is a relief.]

[The question is a relief, too. This is easier, more familiar ground, even though it's also revealing in its own way. She fusses with her response a bit before sending it.]

yeah

that's kind of the point

the only reason i haven't been more in your face about it is because i was freaked out that i'd just embarrass myself. you make me feel as real as i ever do but part of that means letting go, and it's hard to let go and stay real at the same time.

it's worth it, though. to let myself just kind of. get carried away i guess. you're good at that. i would've fucked you on the beach that time if we could've gotten away with it, i was losing my mind.

[Oh apparently only so much tenderness is allowed during this conversation. Quota met.]

Even if you let go, or if you stop being solid, you're still real to me Lila. You'll always be real... and even if it doesn't go perfectly, I'm sure there are things we can do as monsters we can't do as humans, too.

[Because after body-sharing, he's had a few thoughts on the subject in the back of mind.]

Well, I was naked for the majority of that beach trip! That certainly would've made it easy. [He laughs, audibly, before he continues.] And you looked so nice in that swimsuit... I can't say the thought didn't cross my mind, when we kissed.

[.............]

I wish I could touch you right now.

i mean, yeah. like if you need help figuring out how your penis works or anything.

[Look, she's been thinking about that, it's fine.]

seriously thanks. i think i'll be okay but it helps that you're [nice to me] not uptight about it

i wish you could too. but i kind of always wish that. you're distracting. especially when you get carried away like that.

I know how my dick works, Lila...

[Should he have to tell her this?? He's basically been "self-exploring" this whole time, too.]

Is that a good thing though? That I get carried away...? You're the first person to tell me that.

Usually, when I get caught up in the things I want, people will tell me that I'm crazy... or that I'm selfish. That they hate that side of me.

ok you just told me five minutes ago you were still trying to figure out how it works so. honestly kind of a relief cuz if you just spent six months NOT i'd be worried

i mean, sometimes it freaks me out, but only when it's you getting carried away by shit like . . . not being worth anything, or wanting to sacrifice yourself, that kind of thing. that just scares me because i want you to be okay. but in general it's pretty hot. i like when you go after the things you want, especially when they're me.

[Yeah. Right. He didn't clarify—]

I meant that I know how to jerk off! I'm pretty sure every guy does!

I don't know how it works anatomically, as in, it goes away and comes out of... a cloaca, I think? I thought only birds had them, but maybe fish do, too? But that also means there's some... inner parts to it.

[Is this awkward? Getting into the machinations of his monster bits? Anyways,]

So... do I have permission to do what I want, then?

i don't know, you never talk about that shit like most guys do so i wasn't sure if you were just really private about it or had weird hangups.

huh

that sounds kind of fun actually. [Apparently Lila does not find this awkward.]

you never didn't have permission to do what you want. as long as you don't treat me like shit but you know better than that anyway. sooooo is there something you want, or is this a hypothetical question?

[It's probably closer to hang ups, he realizes, because no one has ever really shown interest in him before.]

I get sexual urges, I'm just not used to someone feeling the same way about me. All the people I liked before they, well... I was pushier with them than they were with me.

I'm still just getting used to being liked, I think. Normally, my feelings are more one-sided, and it's almost more comfortable that way.

[But he doesn't want one-sided. He wants to love and be loved, normally. Now that he can be. Now that he doesn't have to worry about Ultimate Luck, and the world ending with despair.]

But I want to touch you, and kiss you, and hold you. So... if you're fine with it being me, let's have sex!

[That's fucking adorable. God. She really has to find another word that means the same thing, this is hard.]

it's okay if you push a little. i'll tell you if i don't like it, but i don't

i don't know
i guess i just
you don't treat me like guys usually treat me
you're careful with me?
so i'm not worried
if that's how you treat me normally then i don't think you'll push me far enough that it's not fun anymore

i trust you. so let's have exclamation point sex!

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WELCOME TO YOUR PRIVATE CHANNEL, NAGITO KOMAEDA. FOR SECURE COMMUNICATION, USE 004.28.777.00 * MrBrightside has joined 004.28.777.00 <MrBrightside> Hello there! This is Komaeda. <MrBrightside>** I'm grateful that you want to talk to me.